Do you ever find yourself staying up through the wee hours of the night, obsessively refreshing the homepage of The New York Times? Have you set up a special Gmail filter for all your ACA petition updates? Then you may be suffering from a little-known condition doctors are calling Executive Order Anticipation Syndrome (EOAS). EOAS is a psychosomatic disorder triggered by the news of an impending Executive Order to be issued from the Office of the President. EOAS is typically marked by chronic anxiety, depression, and a general feeling that the foundations of our democracy are eroding before your very eyes.
Thankfully for those afflicted by this all-too-common problem, the good people at Paci-Pfizer have developed an easy, pain-free solution: Presidex. Presidex is the only medication that will strike right at the heart of your policy-related stress, extinguishing that hot coal of panic and indignation that otherwise seems to burn eternal, like a solemn memorial to the way things could’ve been.
But don’t just take our word for it! Listen to Justin, 34, from Ann Arbor, MI:
“I used to be a real activist; attending rallies, calling my senators almost constantly. But the daily grind of responding to every single infuriating, terrifying White House directive started to really weigh on me. That’s why I began taking Presidex. Now POTUS’s threats of persecuting sanctuary cities and declaring martial law in Chicago just seem to be nothing more than a vague yet persistent rumble, like a distant thunder storm, or the goose-stepping of an approaching army. Thanks, Presidex!”
You don’t need to fret over our nation’s swift descent into autocracy. Whether you’re concerned about the government reopening secret CIA prisons abroad or banning Muslims from entering the country, Presidex is the answer for you. So, if you’ve carved the words, “This is not normal,” into the soft flesh of your thigh with a steak knife, talk to your doctor about Presidex today.
Available now from your local drugstore or public water supply!
Side effects may include: hyperventilating, stomach ache, crying in the checkout line at the grocery store, headache, nausea, and vivid hallucinations of Michelle Obama as president.
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Andy Newton is a writer living in Astoria, Queens. His work has been published by National Lampoon and McSweeney’s.