It’s so hot my weed smoked itself. It’s so hot farmers are harvesting corn already popped. It’s so hot my soup gave me brain freeze. And more!
About Andy Newton
Andy Newton is a writer living in Astoria, Queens. His work has been published by National Lampoon and McSweeney's.
Entries by Andy Newton
Is this FINALLY a home for my hilarious cat videos? Will it be as butt-centric as Instagram? (Can it be?) And more!
Between supply chain shortages, lingering pandemic, and the de facto legalization of coup attempts, everything is still a mess, and we know you’ve been too preoccupied with your ongoing nervous breakdown to get your shopping done. Lucky for you, Humorist Books is here with our 2021 Holiday Humor Book Gift Guide!
Mein Pillow, Trump’s Chumps, Turd Reich, and more!
After years on the lam, world-class criminal mastermind Ivanka Trump must come out of hiding to find her long-lost husband.
I’m going to white-collar prison, / And my gout’s worse than it’s ever been./ Why does this have to happen/ To a man with the color of my skin?
So then, she says she’d like to discuss national reciprocity for open-carry laws, and before I can find a business card, she’s got her tongue down my throat. Oh, Chuck, you got a little something there. Napkin? Suit yourself. Anyway, we leave the ALS fundraiser and head out to the cigar bar on G and […]
My dearest Petula, Please forgive me if my hand is slow and imprecise in its composition, for my mind has grown faint and weary with travel, and my heart hangs heavy with the burden of your absence. I write this message to you amidst a most treacherous and taxing leg of my journey, here […]
Today, class, you’re going to learn about the Knaster procedure. The Knaster procedure is often used in certain legal situations, such as divorces or inheritances, where multiple parties wish to divide an asset in a fair and equitable way without liquidating that asset. Say, for instance, your father passes away suddenly without a will, and […]
The valor. The prestige. The endless parade of tanks and missile launchers rolling down Pennsylvania Avenue. These are but a few of the visions that come to mind when we Americans look back on Donald Trump’s historic first term as our beloved Commander-in-Chief. Throughout every day of his administration, the President has improved the lives […]
Thank you for coming in today. As you surely know, these White House positions are very competitive. For this role, we’re really looking for a team player. You know, someone who will take the Trump agenda to heart and defend any stances that the President may take. So, with that in mind, I’m just going […]
Do you ever find yourself staying up through the wee hours of the night, obsessively refreshing the homepage of The New York Times? Have you set up a special Gmail filter for all your ACA petition updates? Then you may be suffering from a little-known condition doctors are calling Executive Order Anticipation Syndrome (EOAS). EOAS […]
[BEEP!] Hey, there! It’s Andy. I was just calling to check in and ask that the Senator please publicly denounce the nomination of Rex Tillerson for Secretary of State. I can try calling back tomorrow, though, if now’s not a good time. I’m sure the Senator is very busy, what with all his important committees and the big […]
Thank you for meeting with us today, Mr. President-elect. We realize your schedule has been rather busy as of late, but these intelligence briefings really are important, especially as you get closer to occupying the White House. Yes, I completely understand. These meetings can be a bit tedious. You don’t need to tell us! But […]
What: The Democratic Party’s First Annual White Working Class Appreciation BBQ and Jamboree When: Next Saturday Where: The grills behind the Capitol Building Democrats are going to give new meaning to the word “Party” as we host the first annual White Working Class Appreciation BBQ and Jamboree! This celebration will have everything from games and […]
Are you distressed about the results of the recent presidential election? Do you want to take a stand against the forces of hate and discrimination? Now you, too, can be a white ally simply by following these four easy steps. Get Yourself a Lanyard Not only have lanyards become a secret symbol […]