Pandemic Or Treat: Making The Most Of Your Halloween During COVID

Rather than trick or treating from house to house, instead have your kids do an Easter-Egg-Hunt style search for candy in the safety of your home; just don’t hide any of the candy in the same places that you hide your drugs.

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If you can figure out how to safely bob for apples while wearing a COVID mask, then by all means go for it.

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As far as sexy costumes go this year, you simply need to honestly answer one question: Can a hazmat suit successfully have cleavage? If so, you’re back in business.

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Feeling bummed about local haunted house attractions being closed for the season? Why not instead take a stroll through the halls of your area hospital’s intensive care unit?

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No costume contests this year? Think again! Just line up your family members, and the person with the most interesting arrangement of snack / wine stains on their sweat-pants wins!!

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Is carving a smile onto a jack o’ lantern going to be any easier than actually smiling yourself? Only one way to find out! (Special Tip: Some jack o’ lanterns simply look sad much of the time, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of.)

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Sure, it sucks that you can’t attend any Halloween parties this year. But how’s about a Zoom Halloween party! That will give you the opportunity to try out your brand new costume, Green Lantern Who Looks Like He Was Probably Crying A Few Minutes Before Logging On.

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Bonus Tip From WhiteHouse.gov: If accepting any Halloween candy treats from outside of the home, be sure to soak items in a large bat of liquid bleach for at least 72 hours prior to ingesting.

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