Originals

Pentagon Announces New Military Emoji Code

In a stunning yet somehow predictable development, the Pentagon has unveiled a new military communication system entirely based on emojis. This follows this week’s embarrassing revelation that high-level war plans were inadvertently texted to the editor-in-chief of the Atlantic, allegedly due to an autocorrect mishap in a group chat. The incident has left officials scrambling for a more secure, albeit baffling, approach to strategic command that will at least be unintelligible to anyone over the age of 30.


🍽️🚫 No Lunch for You: Economic sanctions targeting the enemy’s supply chains, focusing on essential imports like wheat, electronics, and Takis Intense Nachos.


🤝💰⬆️🤦‍♂️ Diplomatic Confusion: A last-minute attempt at negotiation involving vague offers of peace and alliance combined with threats of tariffs.


🇨🇦🦫💥 Operation Maple Storm: A bold plan to invade Canada and declare it the 51st state by disguising special forces as moose to blend in and seize all Tim Hortons distribution centers.


📡🎮 Gamer Warfare: When you want to secretly recruit some twenty-something DOGE staffers to conduct drone strikes via Xbox controllers.


🦅💰 Defense Budget Justification: Randomly blowing shit up to justify next year’s military funding.


🚑💣😂 Oops, Wrong Button: When you accidentally target a hospital instead of a military base.


💣👌 Boom (But Make It Precise): Surgical missile strikes to be executed with the utmost precision in an effort to avoid yet another unintended collateral consequence.


🏃‍♂️🏃‍♂️🏃‍♂️ Operation Scatter: Signals a tactical retreat, which is often implemented after underestimating an adversary with an actual military strategy.


🔫🤔⚖️ Legal Loophole Strike: Bombing a target that is technically a war crime but using legal technicalities to justify it.


💔👋🇨🇭📖 Geneva Who?: Announcing the US will no longer heed to the Geneva Conventions, particularly when a Legal Loophole Strike fails.


📜🔥 Shred Everything: Rapidly destroying incriminating documents before a congressional investigation.