Pentagon Announces New Military Emoji Code
In a stunning yet somehow predictable development, the Pentagon has unveiled a new military communication system entirely based on emojis. This follows this week’s embarrassing revelation that high-level war plans were inadvertently texted to the editor-in-chief of the Atlantic, allegedly due to an autocorrect mishap in a group chat. The incident has left officials scrambling for a more secure, albeit baffling, approach to strategic command that will at least be unintelligible to anyone over the age of 30.
No Lunch for You: Economic sanctions targeting the enemy’s supply chains, focusing on essential imports like wheat, electronics, and Takis Intense Nachos.
Diplomatic Confusion: A last-minute attempt at negotiation involving vague offers of peace and alliance combined with threats of tariffs.
Operation Maple Storm: A bold plan to invade Canada and declare it the 51st state by disguising special forces as moose to blend in and seize all Tim Hortons distribution centers.
Gamer Warfare: When you want to secretly recruit some twenty-something DOGE staffers to conduct drone strikes via Xbox controllers.
Defense Budget Justification: Randomly blowing shit up to justify next year’s military funding.
Oops, Wrong Button: When you accidentally target a hospital instead of a military base.
Boom (But Make It Precise): Surgical missile strikes to be executed with the utmost precision in an effort to avoid yet another unintended collateral consequence.
Operation Scatter: Signals a tactical retreat, which is often implemented after underestimating an adversary with an actual military strategy.
Legal Loophole Strike: Bombing a target that is technically a war crime but using legal technicalities to justify it.
Geneva Who?: Announcing the US will no longer heed to the Geneva Conventions, particularly when a Legal Loophole Strike fails.
Shred Everything: Rapidly destroying incriminating documents before a congressional investigation.
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J.K. Radomski is a Canadian freelance writer whose words have appeared in newspapers such as The Seattle Post-Intelligencer and The Rocky Mountain News, as well as a number of magazines and trade publications like The Hollywood Reporter. He enjoys one-hit-wonders from the ‘80s, binge watches a lot of TV, drinks Lagavulin, and contemplates the lives of pygmy marmosets in his spare time. Follow him on Twitter @tvwriter
