Best of 2023

Please Do Not Show My Child Michelangelo’s David for I Wish to Bang It

“A Florida principal has resigned after students at a Christian charter school in Tallahassee were shown the statue of the biblical figure David by Michelangelo, prompting at least one parent to complain that the children had been exposed to pornography.”

To the satan-worshipping, free love snowflake in charge of my child’s so called “Christian” school,

It has come to my attention that on Tuesday in Mrs. Morantz’s sixth grade art class my daughter was shown a vile image: Michelangelo’s David. Mrs. Morantz insisted that the statue- crafted by one of the most famous artists of all time and displayed in an art museum- is a work of art. But it is not a work of art at all. It is a lewd, sinful piece of pornography. And I would know, because I desperately want to fuck it.

The David is not appropriate content for children as I am uncontrollably attracted to it. Sexually. I want to fuck the rock. I want to fuck it bad. I crave to press my human sized real body up against his seventeen foot tall, six ton one. I want to climb up The David and touch its lips to my lips. I have fantasies of licking his very cold, very long abs. I dream of rubbing my warm loins in ecstasy against his cold, immobile rock ones. I yearn to run my fingers along the pubic hair carved into his flacid rock member. Sometimes The David is all I think about. I can’t even so much as see the letter D without my cheeks flushing. A six pack of beer gets me sweating. I become aroused in kitchens with marble counter tops. And it goes without saying that if we show the sculpture to twelve year olds, they will all feel the same way.

Let us turn to another reason the stone is deeply pornographic: its subject matter. Nothing makes me hornier than David and Goliath, except, that is, for a stone depiction of David and Goliath. As we all know, the story of a weaker opponent triumphing over a stronger adversary through courage and faith is a common theme in pornography. I personally find the trope very erotic, and our children surely would too. Beyond the dirty trope, David’s particular situation is especially sexy. I shudder all over thinking about David standing totally still, holding the sling he uses to throw rocks. This overtly lewd image, pulled from the bible, is not appropriate content for our children of God.

And to anyone who says that the statue is art- how could it be art if I want to fuck it? When I gaze at The David’s hands and see the veins sculpted there, I don’t think, “how did a man carve into stone with such realism?” I want those hands to choke me. When I see his delicate locks carved out of stone I don’t say, “that hair somehow looks real enough to comb through.” Instead I’m compelled to reach out and pull that hair, as part of a sex thing. When I consider the balance of the sculpture, still standing five centuries later, I don’t whisper, “behold structural engineering of this masterpiece.”  No. I think, “I hope humping it wouldn’t knock it over.” A piece that stirs such sinful thoughts could never be considered art.

And once our children start having these inappropriate thoughts about The David- where will the inappropriate thoughts stop? If our children’s most sinister sexual desires are teased out of them by The David I fear that the temptations will not end there. While touching themselves, our children will think of The Venus de Milo. In their imaginations, they will undress the Statue of Liberty. They will gaze upon Mt. Rushmore and mentally fill in images of our presidents’ genitals. They will dream of group sexual encounters with terracotta warriors. Instead of rubbing a buddha belly, they will want the buddha belly to rub them. They will stop at nothing to scratch their sick, perverted lust for stone.

It’s easy to see how showing our children The David will lead to a dystopian future full of sin and rock sex. When our children are tempted by the devil, they are not tempted by Pornhub. They are not tempted by the bottomless online trough of videos containing explicit sex acts. They are not tempted by images of human genitals which they can find simply by googling the term human genitals. No. Their minds are seized by the temptation of a big frozen marble man holding a sling halfway across the world. The devil is not in hell, Mr. Sidon. The devil is in Florence, Italy, thriving inside that giant, ripped carved slab of a hunk tempting our children to fuck it as I am tempted to fuck it each and every day.

I refuse to stand idly by while our children are indoctrinated to fuck rocks. My child is never to be shown The David ever again. Additionally, for obvious reasons, my daughter will no longer be enrolled in geology.

Until your curriculum gets to the civil rights movement when I’ll have plenty more to say,

Another Florida Mom