Post-Election Emergency Memo From Your Corporation’s Head of User Experience

Hello team!

In light of recent events, I’ve been told by the upper echelons of our corporation to remind everyone that we should keep our political opinions to ourselves. They have assured me, and tasked me with assuring you, that corporate work exists in a beautiful, untouchable bubble floating above the needs and wellbeing of U.S. citizens—transitory, illusory, and ultimately unperturbed by the goings-on of the people the corporation aims to turn into customers.

As such, I won’t be discussing the 2024 presidential election, its outcome, or the horrifying implications of adding government positions for individuals like Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Elon Musk, or Joe Rogan. I will mention fluoride helps strengthen teeth, reduces cavities, and prevents tooth loss. I will also mention teeth help humans chew and, ultimately, digest food. This enables those humans to live and, therefore, purchase goods and services from corporations such as ours—but I can see why our corporate leaders wouldn’t want us thinking about teeth during the workday. Oral hygiene should take place strictly outside of working hours.

Instead, I will focus on updates regarding our….user experience. We’ve come a long way—just a few decades ago, we only served a small demographic of consumers. Others weren’t even viewed as people—I mean, viable leads. As our total addressable market has expanded, we’ve implemented new products and programs to widen our serviceable addressable market. But we’ve had quite a few setbacks in recent years. What we previously considered serviceable, obtainable markets have fallen by the wayside; they no longer seem like engaged leads.

How can we reconfigure our user experience to address the needs of the many? How can we adequately engage the total addressable market? All ideas and recommendations are welcome—feel free to respond to this email, reply in the Slack thread, or scream into a bucket. Please do not send the bucket, as I have my own.

As for proposed company-wide updates in anticipation of the new national regime, I have some mixed news. Substantiated, convicted felons who have yet to serve time or atone in any way: you are now eligible to take over as CEO of the company. All you have to do is make enough false promises to enough employees. Remote employees, we’ll need you to begin coming into the office immediately—please bring your employee badge, government ID, and birth certificate so we can verify you haven’t been replaced by an immigrant. White women, a storage of boots will be provided for you to lick.

Once again, I’d be remiss if I didn’t remind you not to discuss politics with any colleagues. Hold any feelings of fear, hopelessness, or dehumanization deep in your heart—you don’t want your personhood to bring anyone down while we’re discussing KPIs.

Thank you for reading. If you need to get in touch, I will be offline for the remainder of the day, spending quality time with my screaming bucket.

Take care,

Your burnt-out, dehumanized head of user experience