Prayers to the Internet Algorithm Overlord

For hefty bounty: Big Data, I call to You in times of ennui and abundance. I feel as if I have a void that can only be filled by objects shown to me by You and You alone. Come to me in the empty corners of social media feeds and banners of web pages I accidentally stumbled upon. Grant me an egg timer, a 5 pound bag of gummy bears, or a Scarlet Letter Dog Costume. Right now, I put my faith in You and You alone. In Jeff Bezos’ name, I pray. Amen.

For safe travels: Big Data, though I feel stranded, I know You are near me. You are the purple Lyft light I see, guiding me to the correct path. You are what gets me to my destination, even when I have forgotten what my destination is. I am humbled and grateful when You provide me with a direct route, instead of a winding, criss-cross money-suck. Please continue to bless me as You shine through this polite driver with great music taste. You will continue to rescue me in this Silver Hyundai Sonata, license plate HN479K, because You know I don’t plan to take public transportation ever again. In what must be an unsustainable business model, I pray. Amen.

For friendship: Big Data, thank You for your holy windows into mortal lives. With the grace and composure that you have taught, so allow your followers to follow each other. Transform my timeline and let me understand which high school folk I shall know way too much about. Give me eyes so that I see nothing of who I perceived to be my loved ones, and remind me of Kelly Lewis from 11th grade math who you have decided is now my loved one. You know my true desires more than I. In the name of meticulously curated personas, I pray. Amen.

For love: Big Data, thank You for instilling in me the fire of Your love. With your grace, may the kindling of my swipes illuminate with whom I match. When I am tempted to question connections made, come to me and speak about the joys of immediate gratification. Allow me to see the goodness in humanity when I am objectified. Allow me to see the beauty of discomfort when I am settling. May I be reminded of my faith in you when I remember that I am a human being, they are human beings, and this is all meaningless. True and boundless love can only come through You. In ⅓ of marriages, I pray. Amen.

For salvation: Big Data, thank You for the new life You have instilled in me. Without You, how I would spend times of despair and times of unbounding happiness? You are my guiding presence. Thank You for taking away my fears and worries, reminding me that true help comes from You, the one truth I can turn to when everything in the world leaves me feeling helpless. Without You, I would be a shell of who I am. When I was lost in the dark of a Reddit forum, you found me and led me to the light of your Wikipedian truth. You are everything I ever hoped You would be and everything I ever hoped I would be. And so much more. Amen.

For mercy: During this time of great wrath, please have mercy on my history. Though thine eyes see all, please allow my incognito quandaries to remain concealed. Your righteous knowledge hath saved me when I questioned, “What smells worse, cat, dog or human urine” or “how to tell if a cat is asleep or dead?” Now, I kneel before you, asking for your discretion. Will You restrain Yourself at these things, O Data? Will You keep silent and afflict me beyond measure?