Best of 2022

God Announces He Will Forgive Some Sins

“The Hill reported on Tuesday that the White House would announce a plan to cancel a chunk of student loan debt and an extension of the existing pause, citing multiple sources. The announcement comes within the smallest window of time borrowers have had to determine when their payments would resume, which has aggravated advocates due to it leaving borrowers in limbo.”

“While the cancellation will be celebrated as the most far-reaching move to help student loan borrowers, activists and some Democrats will also likely call for more in student loan forgiveness, like forgiving up to $50,000 per borrower, or overhauling federal loan programs.”


Hark, faithful followers – big news! I’ve heard your prayers, listened in on your private confessionals, and witnessed your outstanding, lifelong devotedness to My Holy Word – and I’m proud to announce that I am now able to forgive some of your sins!


I understand many of you believed that if you confessed and repented for your sins, I would forgive each and every one of them, cleanse you of all unrighteousness, and grant you eternity in heaven. Unfortunately, it’s looking like I’ll only be able to forgive a small chunk of them at the moment.


I will be directing my compassion toward those most in need – as we can all agree, the most vile sin in our world is being poor. Therefore, I’ve decided to forgive a small fraction of wrongdoings for each of the most destitute among us to help ease the burden that is placed on their wretched souls. Now, will I forgive enough of their sins to get them into God’s glorious heavenly kingdom? No, not even close. They will still have a lot of catching up to do, and frankly, most of them simply do not have the time or resources to have their indebted souls cleansed for good.


Thus, in keeping with My Blessed Promises, I will be forgiving up to three sins at this time, including: envy (been dreaming of a better life? I’ll give you a pass on that for now), cursing or otherwise using My name in vain (but only if it was in an old-timey way, like “Good God!” or “Jeez Louise!” – absolutely no salvation for anyone who’s ever sang “God Is a Woman”), and working on Sunday (because many of you probably can’t afford a day off). But that’s all I can do for the time being!


I mean, sure, I’m all-powerful, but that doesn’t mean I can just do whatever I want! The Devil has a lot of sway over all eternal afterlife-related policies, and I can’t just bypass his will and do as I please, however much I would love to do so!


Think about the prayer economy! If we forgive too many sins, then there won’t be enough prayers for salvation coming in to sustain our Saints. Plus, a lot of people wish for ice luges in their Forever Paradise in the Sky. Do you know how expensive those are? If we get an unprecedented influx of people coming into heaven, all wishing for their own personal ice luge, I’m going to have to start laying off angels. Or worse — the angels will unionize for better prayers, preventing Me from firing them, and I Myself will have to take a prayer cut. We must maintain the delicate balance of our prayer-based gatekeeping system for entry to My Kingdom.


Even though currency in any form is basically nonexistent up here and I could theoretically make new prayers, it’s still something that I don’t want to do for some reason.


You guys get it, don’t you? I can’t let just anyone through these pearly gates, no matter how deeply they repent or how much of their earthly existence they toil away in service to Me – even though that is the entire foundation upon which your God-fearing faith is built. I mean, some people have to go to Hell, don’t they? How else would the Devil and I be able to coexist in disquieting harmony?


I am also well-aware that many souls have been left in limbo – hovering between an eternal afterlife in the promised land and one damned to never-ending torment in Hell – waiting for Me to make a decision on this. Trust me, it kills Me as much as it kills you (well, not literally, given the whole “Immortal Omnipotent Ruler of the Universe” thing, but you get the idea). However, you’ll be relieved to know that I will be extending sinners’ time in purgatory for a few more millenia until the rest of My sin-forgiveness plan is sorted out. Sure, some say that purgatory is sort of a hell unto itself, but, hey, limbo’s not so bad – the guy who invented FAFSA is there!

I know a lot of you are probably disappointed about some of the sins that I have not yet forgiven (I’m looking at you, Fast and Furious stans), but fear not! I am working continuously, around the clock to get as many sins forgiven as possible. God’s plan is never wrong; it might be incomplete, stalled for ages, and ultimately very unsatisfactory to everyone involved, but it’s always right. So keep dedicating your lives to me, I promise there will be some payoff by the inevitable end!