The PTO Corpse Reviver
This combination of gin, lemon juice, Cointreau, Lillet Blanc, and a dash of absinthe may seem like it’s meant to encourage employee recooperation but, in a culture where taking days off embodies a lack of dedication, it is actually meant to guilt you into working for free by letting those days go to waste. That 9-day GroupOn trip to Greece that you bookmarked for when things slow down will probably still be there next year though!
Wellness Program Well Drinks
Similar to the many different well drink options, we used to offer various monetary incentives for our most active employees. However, we have now decided to shift to a model that we feel rewards everybody. Each day before lunch-time, Steve, the entry-level sales representative that you can hear from literally every square foot of our open floor plan office, will throw away everyone’s items in the fridge under the guise of “kitchen clean-up.” No food means no unhealthy food!
Our Housing Funding Program Will Now Only Apply To One Janky Condo In Long Island Iced Tea
Be careful drinking these! This tantalizing mix of vodka, gin, tequila, rum, triple sec, and cola is sure to have you cursing yourself for accepting a job that requires you to know the 6 AM Long Island Railroad workers better than your family.
Maternity Leave?? Sure……ley Temple
Most of our staff doesn’t need to order this drink, due to strategic hiring choices, but if you’re thinking you might one day want to enjoy this delightful combination of lemon-lime soda, grenadine and a mouthful of maraschino cherries, let us know. Also, be sure to ask for extra cherries, because you likely won’t be enjoying the drink on our tab much longer. We expect a performance decrease and will act accordingly preemptively. We love babies though. The royal baby was so cute, and that’s why we tweeted a picture of them on our corporate twitter account with the caption “we stan!”
Professional Development Is A Dark & Stormy Idea That Sounds Like It Will Lose Us Money
Gosling’s rum and ginger beer. Has there ever been a better pair? If there has been, it’s certainly not you and us, working hand-in-hand to invest in your potential to grow as an industry leader with proper education and coaching. Instead, we’ll just go with Steve for this promotion.
Your Performance Bonus Will Come Out Of Your Salary This Year Sazerac
Whiskey, sugar and bitters are the best medicine for the news that, despite your dedication to top-notch data analysis, you are at the mercy of an employer who clearly does not give a glass of sugar water about your student loan payments, transportation fees, or elder-care costs. But we appreciate you so much, and that’s why we left a huge balloon taped to your desktop monitor for your birthday!
Retirement As A Concept? Well That’s Old Fashioned
Each sip of this classic bourbon whiskey drink will remind you that you could spend the rest of your life working for this terrible company or a similarly employee-apathetic company until you, ultimately, are let go of by life. But that sweet citrus curl makes it worth it!
Flex Scheduling Is Fine As Long As You Work From Tequila Sunrise To Tequila Sunset
This two-drink combo is exactly what you need if you are still thinking about how we won’t let you flex your time to take care of your sick grandfather while his nurse is out of town.
Upper Management Margarita
Since Steve is now an Assistant Director, he gets all of the benefits that we cut from all of the entry-level employees with about half the workload. Anyone in Steve’s pay-grade or above can order this to convey to us in code that this drink should be free, so they can unfairly profit off of not just their own employees’ labor but also the bartender’s labor.
The “We Are Changing Insurance Policies So Flu Shots Are No Longer Covered But Here’s A Tequila Shot” Shot
Patty Terhune is a writer and satirist based in Chicago. Her comedy writing has been featured in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The Belladonna and the office listserv. Follow her on Twitter @pattyterhune.