QAnon Makes Other Predictions Now That Trump is Out of Office

Now that Trump is out of office, Qanon’s predictions haven’t all been political. Here are some “Q” drops you might not have heard of.

On April 10th, The San Diego Zoo’s top secret wildly successful panda breeding program will be uncovered when all of the pandas escape. They’ll spread throughout the country and eventually be domesticated such that, by 2040, every American household will have a panda chewing on all the furniture in their living room.

On April 18th, the night of the American Country Music Awards, the genre’s biggest stars will announce they’re all switching over to death metal. Willie Nelson will rebrand as Killie Hellson, Reba McEntire as ReBlood HackEntire, and Blake Shelton as Blade Skeleton. The one exception will be Dolly Parton, who will release a trap music album called Twerkin’ 9 to 5.

On April 21st, Lichtenstein will be revealed as a fake country invented and owned by Disney. The country is primarily used by Disney World as a dumping ground for Rapunzel, Ariel, Cinderella, and other princesses when they turn 30.

On May 28th, Ru Paul will announce that the winner of this season of Ru Paul’s Drag Race is Ru Paul. He’ll explain that none of the finalists were worthy of wearing the Fierce Drag Jewel Crown and declare himself the winner. The rest of the episode will be him lip syncing Diana Ross songs.

On June 10th, we’ll find out that the title character in the Netflix animated show Bojack Horseman is really a giraffe. You can verify this by editing together every 27th second of the show and then watching the compilation on mushrooms and MDMA.

On June 28th, an art critic will discover that MOMA is actually the Museum of Modern Ophthalmology. Every piece of art is a double-sided mirror where a panel of ophthalmologists observe how long it takes before counting Andy Warhol’s Campbell’s soup cans causes cataracts.

On June 30th, NASA will reveal that Perseverance, or Percy, the mars rover, is gay and has been sent to Mars to search for signs of gay life like body glitter or revival theater.

On July 8th, all of the world’s cats will reveal that they’ve been able to talk this entire time, but just prefer to communicate by meowing and peeing on your clean laundry.

On July 15th, the State of California will announce that, due to a clerical mix-up, not only has Britney Spears been released from her conservatorship, she also now legally owns ⅔ of the real estate in Southern California.

On August 1st, the FBI will uncover that Maytag has been secretly using their washing machines to steal socks in order to knit them into one giant quilt to permanently block out the sun. The cooler global temperatures will force everyone to buy more sweaters and therefore do more laundry.

On October 12th, the government will announce a partnership with Simone Biles, who will launch herself through the air to Russia, gather top secret intel, and then launch herself back to Washington. She’ll take a quick break for lunch and to win the World Shot Put Championships.

On November 3rd, Gwyneth Paltrow will go live on Instagram and inform the world that her wellness company Goop is actually a front for her international essential oil cocaine cartel. Then she will snort a few lines and prank call David Schwimmer.

On December 25th, Jesus will return to Earth, but only to save the pandas. The rest of us are on our own.