Originals
QUIZ: Are You Talking To Your 4-Year-Old Son or Your Husband?
- No snacks before dinner.
- Use your words.
- If you ever use those words with me again I’m giving you a time out.
- Aww, you have a boo boo? Let me kiss it.
- Try to aim into the toilet bowl, honey, not the rim.
- I can’t kiss someone with such a stinky mouth. Have you brushed your teeth today?
- We’re leaving in ten minutes. We’re leaving in five minutes. We’re leaving right now. Fine, stay home and ruin your brain with TV. Alone at last!
- It’s my turn to have a tantrum and I’ll cry if I want to.
- Stop playing with yourself.
- You’re going out in a Darth Vader tee shirt and Spiderman pjs? I know you’re expressing yourself and asserting your independence, and I must pick my battles and avoid fashion wars. It’s just that heroes and villains don’t match and I’m humiliated to be seen with you.
- I acknowledge that you’re so upset, your face is turning scarlet with rage. You did request Goldfish in the middle of my two hour Zoom meeting. I’m rushing out immediately in the pouring rain to buy a case. Of wine.
- Come sit in Mommy’s lap. I’ll make it all better.
- Don’t touch me or I’ll scream.
Talking to your 4-year-old son: 1-13
Talking to your husband: 1-13
- About the Author
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Candy Schulman has published humor and essays in McSweeney’s, Rumpus Funny Women, The New York Times, The Washington Post, and many defunct print publications. She is a creative writing professor who never tires of telling her students grammar bar jokes.
