Quiz: Pizza Cutter Wheel or Doctor’s Head Mirror?

1. The tool is a circular piece of reflective metal with a small hole in the center.

 

2. The tool assists the user in completing a task necessary for survival.

 

3. The tool is only as precise as the user’s ability to use it correctly.

 

4. The tool can be washed and sterilized for later usage in a standard dishwasher.

 

5. For big messes, the tool can be left to soak in the sink.

 

6. In a combat scenario, the tool is ineffective at doing anything more than reflecting sunlight into an attacker’s eyes.

 

7. With the victim’s cooperation, you could at the very least leave a series of grid-like scratches.

 

8. When you screw the disc onto a cymbal stand and hit it with a drumstick, it plays an unpleasant sound.

 

9. Dumped into a change counter machine, the disc is sorted out by a magnet.

 

10. When you screw two onto a hi-hat and press the pedal, it plays an even more unpleasant sound.

 

11. Upon throwing it in the change counter again, it registers as $92.46.

 

12. The reflection on its surface is an inaccurate depiction of what you really look like. The warped reflection is merely that and not a “reflection” of your character. I can’t stress this point enough.

 

13. Removed from its bearing, it rolls at a remarkable downhill pace with a top speed of 43 MPH.

 

14. Again, point 12 bears repeating. The reflection may convey how you feel about yourself, sure, but it is by no means how you look. Do not make visual assessments with this tool unless they’re italian food-related measurements or medical assessments of a patient’s ears, nose, and throat.

 

15. No matter how many times you stick it in a DVD player, it won’t play.

 

16. Actually, the disc started playing. It’s a home video of a father filming his family sleeping. Oh wait a second, the father is asleep too. Okay, turning that off now.

 

17. On the other side, it plays someone’s wedding tape from 1992. Someone taped over it about halfway through with a different wedding tape from 1991. Somehow, this is possible.

 

18. When you stick it in a CD player, it plays jazz chants—a musical method of helping non-english speakers learn english with recordings of people rhythmically chanting common phrases over jazz music. While helpful in teaching english, this detail is unhelpful in discovering what kind of disc it is from the options given.

 

19. On a record player, the disc plays the Walmart Associate Choir’s debut album Eyes of a Child.

 

20. On Side B, the disc plays the Wale and Jerry Seinfeld collaboration rap album The Album About Nothing.

 

21. In a blu-ray player, the disc does nothing. It was ridiculous to think otherwise.

 

22. In a microwave, it makes lightning.

 

23. The tool is laser engraved with the cryptic message: YOUR MESSAGE HERE ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVXYZ abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz

 

24. The other side of the tool is laser engraved with a pizza-themed version of the hippocratic oath. One section says, “I will remember that there is art to pizza medicine as well as pizza science, and that pizza warmth, pizza sympathy, and pizza understanding may outweigh the pizza surgeon’s knife or the pizza chemist’s pizza drug.”

 

25. Another section says, “Most especially must I tread with care in matters of pizza life and pizza death. If it is given to me to save a pizza’s life, all thanks. But it may also be within my power to take a pizza’s life; this awesome pizza responsibility must be faced with great pizza humbleness and pizza awareness of my own frailty. Above all, I must not play Pizza God.”

 

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Pizza wheel: 1-25

Head mirror: 1-25

 

The quiz above is a “quiz” by name only. It exists more to highlight the similarities between obsolete diagnostic devices and niche cutlery.