Relationship-Wrecked With Dr. Kit Lively

Hi Dr. Kit…

My wife Ruby and I are newlyweds, and have a wonderful marriage thus far. My only complaint, and it’s not a deal-breaker, but still, is that Ruby snips her skin-tags off with nail-clippers and then takes them in a little baggie to our local park, where she uses them to feed the birds. Something that I originally thought to be nothing more than a cute little quirk has quickly turned ugly, as most of these same birds now crave human flesh, and are randomly attacking park-goers with a ferocity that is, quite frankly, alarming. Is this something that newlyweds just sometimes have to deal with, like snoring, sharing a bathroom, etc?

For The Birds, Glenskowl CA

FTB… Sheesh, what a complainer! Sounds to me like you’ve got a keeper on your hands there! A fan of the outdoors, and an animal lover! If you’re so picky, let her loose for someone who might appreciate her lovely attributes. As my grandma used to say, “Marriage is a two way street, pal, and if you’re not careful, you’re going to get run over”. Quit being such a whiner.

Dear Dr. Kit…

How can you tell if your boyfriend is a serial killer? Are there obvious signs that I may be missing? I found a bloodied selection of what appear to be human teeth in a small pile in his workshop, and that’s gotten me to thinking… there have been other things that I may be overlooking as well. What do you think?

Sleepless In Sioux Falls

Wake up Sleepless!! What do I think? He hasn’t killed you yet, right? So what’s the problem? Sounds to me like you’ve got a solid guy there. Has his own workshop, even! I have chills! Not every guy bothers to have their own workshop, lady. And what, he’s expected to just dote on you 24/7, without the pleasure of a hobby? Like my former neighbor’s gardener was fond of saying, “Get over yourself, before you end up by yourself.”

Paging Dr. Kit…

My husband is an avid golfer, and has been for years. But just recently, he’s been arriving home following his games wearing different pants than the pair he left the house wearing. Does this seem weird to you at all? I have this horrible fear that he may be cheating on me. He promised that he would never do that again, though, so maybe I’m just being paranoid?

Paranoid & Annoyed

Annoyed, huh? Well, pardon me, your highness! Sheesh… And no, your husband is not cheating on you. He’s the victim here, madame! This sounds to be a little-known but extremely debilitating affliction wherein the sufferer is addicted to wearing different pairs of pants throughout the day. In addition to the psychological trauma, this can cause severe chafing as well. Please, try to get your mind out of the gutter. As my Aunt Korvilleroust used to say, “The lizard won’t drop what the corn has already spent for winter.”