Rules of POLITICS the Board Game

Begin game with admirable and honest intentions.

Trade intentions and soul for ambition to win game at all costs.

Select game piece that reflects your style of playing with human lives.

Main objective of game is to obtain power by exploiting others. It’s pretty simple, don’t overthink it.

Cheating is not allowed, it’s rewarded.

Constantly change your position on everything across the board.

Earn double points for talking out of both sides of two-faced mouth.

Player may also be banker, no conflict.

If you do not wish to abide by basic moral code, roll the dice without consequences of any kind.

Roll again, and again and again—no one is keeping score!

Players may take shortcut if it causes irreversible damage to earth and inhabitants.

After completing turn, pass the dice and the buck. The bad stuff you just did isn’t your fault.

Skip turn and commitment to nation when convenient.

Spin the wheel and meaning of things you say.

Take large donations and play remainder of game as human puppet.

Debate the rules and then make up new rules to complicate original rules.

Grab dice from other player’s hand, chuck across room and move pieces on board while America is looking the other way.

Constantly smile.

Collect four years if you can rig election; otherwise go back to beginning.

Put right hand on Bible and left hand behind back with fingers crossed, and other right hand shaking hand of person who has the oil.

Like constitution, rules may be interpreted in ways that are not consistent or helpful.

Player may sneak off to fridge for “snack” but instead go upstairs and commit “crime” by watching live surveillance of game.

Player may print more money if it benefits them personally.

Advance three spaces for upholding family values while having an affair.

If at any time a player senses foul play, they may start a new game called Revenge. Use public resources to fund vengeance and collude with unstable countries.

Player may take contents from game and hide them.

Player must publicly slander fellow players to take lead in polls and make this country great.

Advance two spaces for digging up incriminating details from other players past.

Go back two spaces if people find out you made it up.

Play pathological liar card if under oath, pass polygraph and collect four more years.

Bonus round is played when there are no eye witnesses.

If you happen to have someone assassinated, place in discard pile, facedown.

Kiss a baby.

Land on Super PAC avenue and buy a House of Representatives.

If you land on Wall St., have a freakin’ heyday, alter global economy, collect personal fortune that stays off the books. Go to jail never.

Draw a wild card and just go berserk for a while.

Rules do not apply if somehow stand in your way of winning game.

Turn your physical body into a snake.

Place armies near territories that haven’t attacked you and have no interest in fighting whatsoever.

Replace dice with missiles.

Maybe you shouldn’t play this game after all.

If player flips board over and pieces go flying everywhere (war) and the other players don’t know what to do but quietly stare in fear and confusion, two points.

Player may look back on initial naiveté and laugh sinister laugh.

Please stop playing game.

Winner is the player who is able to best deceive the entire world.

Just kidding, there is no winner in this game.

Have fun! And remember, while you can’t win at Politics, you can make the world a whole lot worse!