So You’ve Decided to Buy a Chainsaw at Your Age
Thank you for purchasing the Sayer 14-inch gas powered chainsaw! We realize you have many choices for heavy duty cutting and severing appliances to buy when you reach a certain age of so-called maturity and we appreciate that you’ve chosen a Sayer to help scratch your aging itch. We’ve been manufacturing and selling quality chainsaws for almost 60 years for everyone from the professional logger to the typical American handyman or woman. So we like to think we know a thing or two about our business. We also deeply care about preserving the safety of our customers and anyone within sawing distance of them. So we know you have an urge to mix up some oil and gas and just start cutting into things with machinery that can radically change the quality of life of another human being.
PLEASE KEEP READING! THIS IS IMPORTANT! Owning and maintaining a chainsaw of this size and power safely is just as important as the feeling of usefulness you get when you operate one to improve your home and property. Safety is our and should be (we can’t emphasize this enough) your first concern before you begin operating any of Sayer’s cutting or slicing products. That’s why when you open any Sayer product, the first thing you see is this manual. We also know that you’re eager to unwrap the packaging material, two cycle your gasoline and immediately start using your Sayer chainsaw without even glancing at the instructions and safety warnings. We realize that reading probably sounds like the most boring alternative activity compared to slicing up boards for your kids’ tree house, pruning the trees in your front yard or cutting stuff for the thrill of cutting through something. It’s funny I mentioned that because it perfectly encapsulates my first point.
CHAINSAWS ARE NOT PLAYTHINGS! We know that you’ve got a whole workbench and set of tools in the garage that you’re finally getting around to using because you realize the cost of hiring professionals is outlandishly expensive. And now that you’re at a comfortable level of fiscal stability that allows you a life outside of work, you naturally just want to jump in and using these tools for the sake of using them. You’ve never ratcheted so many things in your life and they’ve never given you quite this level of rush until now. The thing is that a ratchet wrench can’t cost you the use of muscle groups and vital nerves. Chainsaws should not be used as grownup toys because they are actually dangerous pieces of machinery that are indifferent to what they are cutting through. Chainsaws don’t become sentient and yell to their operators, “Hey! There’s a finger in the way of my blade! I know you think you’re sawing a 2-by-4 for your new porch but you’re about to hit a part of your own body!”
Even if your Sayer chainsaw could develop the power of speech, it wouldn’t be able to finish such a sentence in time before you start screaming and trying to find the nearest cloth to slow your body’s blood flow.
CHAINSAWS ARE NOT TOOLS FOR PRANKS! If you’re a child of the 80s, then you’ve grown up watching a whole host of horror movies in which loud machinery serves as an effective interruption to an audience’s attention pattern i.e. the jump scare. Director Tobe Hooper may have effectively utilized the chainsaw, this staple of slasher classics, to harness the escapist experience of American cinema but he also knew the deadly power this gas cycled machines possess. You SHOULD NOT use a chainsaw to scare or even reenact your favorite scenes from chainsaw based horror films. Even if you take the chain off of the saw and simply rev the loud engine to scare someone who isn’t aware of their surroundings, you’re still finding pleasure in the suffering of others in order to feel something.
THERE’S NO “WINGING IT” WITH CHAINSAWS! Chainsaws can be a useful tool for building and constructing when they are in the right hands. They can also be implements of dismemberment and regret when they are in the wrong hands (and sometimes those people don’t even have hands). If you decide to use our product for your next construction or home improvement project, you should measure and calculate exactly how many pieces you need ahead of time instead of just building something as you go along. Again, we know that reading is not really a priority right now but it’s best if you figure out exactly what you need to minimize the amount of cutting time with your chainsaw and the chances of slicing through bone and flesh in the same timeframe.
DON’T USE THEM TO PERFORM TRICKS! We all have an innate need to impress your friends, colleagues and children. Chainsaws ARE NOT to be used to accomplish such feats. If you are operating a Sayer chainsaw, it’s best to avoid circus sideshows, YouTube and other social media videos, TV shows with phrases like “Gone Wrong” and “Gone Bad” in the title and friends with whom you usually lose bets to over the course of your relationship. KICKBACK WARNING! Even if you avoid all those risks to entertain, amuse and scare your friends and loved one with one of our Sayer products, chainsaws still come with a natural risk of death and disfigurements called “kick back.” At any time and without warning, chainsaws can “kick back” while you’re using them even while you’re wearing proper eye protection and hand coverings. In fact, our chainsaws are powerful enough to saw right through them and into your warm, wielding flesh. We’re not sure why anyone would buy one of these things without proper training and experience. Just go watch the game and hire someone instead. It may cost more but you’re more likely to still have the use of vital body parts.
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Danny Gallagher (Dannygallagher.net) is a freelance comedy and culture writer. He’s written comedy for Cracked, CNET, MTV Online and the first Halloween episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and features for The Dallas Observer and The Onion AV Club. He’s also the co-creator of the live movie mocking comedy show The Mocky Horror Picture Show (Mockyhorror.com) and a writer and performer for the sketch troupe Coyote,both of which are based in Dallas. He’s working on a book for Humorist Books. He could really use a drink and a nap.
