An Ignorant Satirist Answers Your Questions About Coronavirus

In case you haven’t heard, the coronavirus is spreading and we will all be dead soon.  However, whether you are liberal or conservative, there is no reason to be frightened.

Conservatives can take comfort in knowing that President Sociopath has appointed Mike Pence, a man so deeply rooted in science that while Governor of Indiana he signed a bill mandating funerals for aborted zygotes, as his coronavirus “response coordinator.” (He would have called him “czar” but Putin advised against it until after the election.)

Liberals can take comfort knowing that most experts who have studied the situation agree that Americans are far more likely to die and much sooner via mass shootings.

Clearly then, this is not a time for panic, but on the other hand, maybe it is.  I was just sitting at my desk with my chin resting in my hand when an article popped up on my tablet: “Why It’s Very Important to Stop Touching Your Face.” Oops.

No worries, a local Zen monastery has a walk-in cooler in its basement and I am going to spend the week quarantined there and I promise not to cough on the stored raw potatoes without a surgical mask. By the way, if you are looking for a great deal on surgical masks, check out Amazon where you can get two for $149 from a third-party seller who does not offer free shipping, even for Prime members. Act now, supplies are limited.

Here are answers to the most frequently asked questions:

Is it safe for me to have sex?

You’re not having sex anyway, so let’s move on to more relevant questions.

What impact is coronavirus having on the lucrative pole-dancing and mud-wrestling industries? 

Attendance is notably down at Stiffy’s Gentleman Club in Astoria, where pole-dancing has been replaced by “erotic pole-cleaning” with various disinfectants and green cleaners. Mud wrestling has been replaced by hand-wrestling with Purell.

If someone accidentally spews tuna salad in my face while talking with their mouth full, will I contract the virus?

You might. And if you do, you might not know. And if you pass it on to someone else, you might not know. And if they pass it on to someone, they might not know. In fact, you might not know anything. So, take common sense precautions, the most important of which is to not sit close enough to anyone so you can hear them without repeatedly saying, “What?”

Is this a good time to go on a cruise?

Prices have never been so low to book a slow boat to China. Also, travel insurance will now sometimes cover up to 3% of your coronavirus-related lab-test expenses, subject to pre-approval, reasonable and customary fees, and having an in-network provider in the United States. Other arbitrary rules apply, so be sure to take advantage of this!

How can I protect myself? 

Sorry, you can’t. The universe is a totally random place.  How else can we possibly understand the popularity of Dancing With The Stars?

Should I consider getting a Hazmat suit? 

Definitely. You look great in yellow and even if you don’t wear it outside, you will enjoy putting your Hazmat suit on in the bedroom. Important note: Hazmat suits can be uncomfortable for those allergic to rubber. Trust me, I know.

Where can I get reliable information? 

From me.

Are we doomed? 

Yes, however that was true long before coronavirus.