So You’ve Decided to Live Out Your Days in a Remote Monastery: What Next?

Let me guess. Like millions of other Americans, you’ve suddenly decided  to relocate to the most remote, obscure monastery on the face of the earth and spend the remainder of your life praying, meditating, and avoiding the 24-hour news cycle.  Any particular reason? Nah, not really. After all, who needs a reason to spend some quality time with God? Yep. Hangin’ with the G-dawg. That’s what this is all about. Getting things squared with the man upstairs. Preferably someplace with no internet connectivity whatsoever.

Somehow, you just know that it’s time to get waaaaaaaaaay off the grid. That’ll solve maybe 80% of the problems in your life. The other 20% will be the ones you carry with you in your own brain. Those aren’t going anywhere for a while. But maybe, after a few years of sitting in the lotus position and thinking about the oneness of all things, even those pesky intrusive thoughts of yours won’t bother you anymore. Probably. That’s the theory, anyway.

Besides, monks always look so peaceful and content — making wine, singing in the choir, wearing those loose-fitting robes. They even had a hit album in the ’90s. All in all, not a bad life. Friar Tuck certainly seemed cheerful enough. Merry, even. And what about those super-cool Bhuddist monks, tending to their immaculate zen gardens? That’s gotta be calming as fuck. Doesn’t that sound, like, a zillion times better than whatever you did today? Of course, you may be called upon to immolate yourself  to protest a war or whatever. But let’s burn that bridge when we come to it, huh?

For the time being, let’s focus on picking a monastery that’s right for you. Fortunately, there are a number of monasteries that are both tranquil and — this is key — very far from the nearest cell phone tower. Take your pick from the following choices.

KATSKHI PILLAR (GEORGIA)

Relax, it’s the other Georgia, the one that used to be part of Russia. Anyway, they’ve got a monastery there that sits on top of a 130-foot-tall limestone monolith. You have to climb a pretty gnarly-looking ladder just to reach the place. It seems like even the monks abandoned it a few hundred years ago, but that just means you could potentially have the joint all to yourself. Supposedly, only members of the religious order are allowed to go up the aforementioned ladder. But what are they going to do if you show up and just start King Kong-ing it? Stop you physically? Threaten you with violence? They’re monks! Word to the wise, though: bring sandwiches. I don’t think this place has a cafeteria.

KEY MONASTERY (INDIA)

Okay, that last one was a little extreme. Maybe this one’s more your speed. This place, located 13,600 feet above sea level in the Spiti Valley, is known for its dark, shadowy hallways. Which is ideal in case you’ve decided to really let yourself go, appearance-wise. (And isn’t that one of the best parts about becoming a monk?) Better yet, there’s a chance that the Dalai Lama himself might swing by. He’s been known to visit every few decades. I’d recommend against asking for his autograph though, because it makes you look tacky.

METEOREA (GREECE)

Are you into Orthodox Christianity, ornate frescoes, and stunning cliffside views? Then Greece is the word, baby! Just get your penitent ass to the Pindus mountains in the northern part of the country and check out one of the six remaining monasteries there. Four for the gents, two for the ladies.  I’m thinking they could all get together for a late summer co-ed  mixer. Could be a hoot. And no one there has even heard of Microsoft Teams, so you never have to worry about any pesky DMs while you forge a closer relationship with the Almighty.

DEBRE DAMO (ETHIOPIA)

I know that “Debre Damo” sounds like what the Whos in Whoville sang on Christmas morning after all their stuff got stolen, but it’s actually the name of a cliffside monastery in Ethiopia that you access via a 50-foot leather rope. Definitely getting some “Bart Simpson’s treehouse” vibes from this place. Slight downside: the monastery was partially destroyed during a war in 2021. But the part that remains standing looks cool as hell. And I’m sure that the warring parties have worked out their differences since then. Fingers crossed!

ST. GEORGE MONASTERY (MONTENEGRO)

Now this is what I’m talking about! Back in the day, St. George had the good sense to build his monastery on a picturesque little island off the coast of Montenegro in the Adriatic Sea. Looks like a good place to bring a catamaran. Now, supposedly, this place is not open to the public. But you’re no mere tourist! You’re joining up, remember? So slip on  your wetsuit, grab your longboard, and hang ten toward some inner peace, dude. Some Debbie Downers out there will tell you that this place is called the “Island of the Dead,” but that’s just because there’s a cemetery there, not because of any zombie outbreaks. That we know of.

Really, any of these places will probably do. There are a few more just like them, but they’re all pretty much the same. Maybe just pick one at random and show up at the front door with a suitcase in hand, like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music. That’s their whole deal. They’ve gotta take you in. And if you need more motivation, consider this: the midterm elections are coming up in 2026.