We, the Leaders of the Beef Industry, Have Invented Our Own Impossible Burger
Meatless alternatives are on the rise, and it seems people are no longer lusting after beef, the glory of the heartland. Because there’s no stopping the innovative minds behind the animal-industrial complex, we are pleased to announce our own delicious plant-based burger: The Unthinkable Burger. While products like the Impossible Burger have received rave reviews for their similarity to meat, we’ve gone a few steps further to ensure our vegan patty is identical to its beef cousin in every imaginable way.
When making a veggie burger that is indistinguishable from ground beef, nailing the texture and consistency is key. To make the chewing experience all the more familiar, we’ve engineered it so that with every succulent bite you take, a little bit of shockingly viscous blood spurts out. Vegetarians and normal people agree that it feels exactly like chomping into a recently deceased animal, and that it’s a total freakin’ bloodbath. We owe our food scientists big time for coming up with this wet addition. Suck it, Beyond Burger! Your patty only looks like rare meat, while ours hemorrhages red goo with every bite.
So, environmentally, how does the Unthinkable Burger stack up against a real burger? Like most plant-based products, it has a drastically smaller environmental impact than meat products. Well, the American people demanded a totally comparable meatless alternative, and we’re delivering! We’ve started multiple large fires that ravage the land and emit the approximate amount of methane that your meal would have, had it came from an animal. You can dine with the satisfaction of knowing that you might not be eating meat, but you might as well be! By championing this quality, we’ve destroyed countless acres of public and private property in a remarkable commitment to our authentic burger. A bunch of us have even set fire to own homes in what we’re describing to our insurance providers as a freak accident.
Our industry is responsible for the deaths of millions of animals a year. With the Unthinkable Burger, that number is destined to go down significantly. But don’t worry: While we guarantee that our new patty is cruelty-free, we’re personally still very committed to carnage. For every 10 boxes of Unthinkable Burgers sold, a cow is saved from the slaughterhouse. We go ahead and kill it anyway though, and leave the dead body in the pasture. Do you see Boca Burger doing that? We think not! Unfortunately, buzzards, vermin, and packs of wild dogs have caught the scent of rotting meat and are now flocking to our ranches in droves. We’re at the point where there are so many rats and wolves and shit running around that we’re seriously considering skipping this step — even if it means sacrificing a key component of what makes the Unthinkable Burger nearly identical to a 100% Angus beef burger.
Between all of the pools of fake blood, real carcasses, and fires, life has become somewhat of a waking nightmare around here. You know how Upton Sinclaire describes the Chicago River in The Jungle? Imagine that, only in Wyoming, and you have a pretty good sense of what we see out our window every day. We’re desperately hoping that with the Unthinkable Burger, the beef industry can survive this new wave of public consciousness, and that we personally can survive the hellhole we’ve created for ourselves. So, let’s all keep beef — or a certified beef-like product — what’s for dinner.
Adrienne is a comedian living in Chicago. Her writing has appeared on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Splitsider, and The Belladonna. Occasionally, she tweets @acteeley.