Posts

The Audition: Aiming to Prove That It Is Possible to Make New Friends After the Age of 40

The role:  Friend.  Bring your A-game, as this could be the gig of a lifetime for you.  Literally. The casting directors:  My husband Rusty and myself, aiming to prove that it is possible to make new friends after the age of 40. The setting:  Our kitchen table. (Excerpts from the directors’ notes follow.)

CARTOON: Favor Saver

Maybe 2 more. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

My Sleep Rider: Contractual Requirements for Sleeping at a Friend’s House After Age 35

Noise Levels: Once The Light Sleeper enters the Designated Sleeping Space, silence must reign for the following ten (10) hours. The Host commits to ameliorating any excess noise, including, but not limited to: household snoring, street noise from the nearby fire station, pet snuffles, and whatever that creaking pipe and/or Victorian ghost situation was last time. 

CARTOON: Beach Buds

Fleeting friendships. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

CARTOON: Spyware

Though I will accept all cookies. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

AGE DISCRIMINATION COMPLAINT: HANSON   V.  “THE GUYS”

This is an action seeking behavior modification and redress for damages from relentless and cumulative incidents of age discrimination. Plaintiff alleges James “Jimmy” Decker, 37; Mike “Groggy” Boulheim 35; and Geoff “Zippo” Rinaldi, 38 (“The Guys”), have treated Plaintiff differently since his 40th birthday, regarding his opinions and cultural references as “outdated and irrelevant.”

Rejected Friends Thanksgiving Episodes

The One Where They Spend Thanksgiving In The Hospital After Rachel’s Trifle Activates Ross’ IBS, The One Where Ross Lectures About How Turkeys Are Related To Dinosaurs And Chandler Fakes An Aneurysm In Order To Leave The Table, The One Where Monica Gets a Prescription for Lexapro And Enjoys Thanksgiving For the First Time, and more!

I Regret Becoming a Millionaire in My 20s

I’m not asking for your sympathy, I’m just asking for a little empathy and some friends who will pay me back when I Venmo request them for the birthday dinner they didn’t treat me to, leaving me to coordinate transportation between mainland Chile and the South Pole igloo where we dined on foie gras while Yo-Yo Ma played the cello and cried. 

I’m That Friend Who Always Asks if You’ve Hydrated and, Well, Have You?

It’s simple: Eight glasses, morning to night. If you’re like me, afternoons are mostly spent setting increasingly appreciable rage fires in increasingly busy Paneras, making that daypart less ideal. But whatever your hydration schedule, I find it best to begin when you first wake, right before the dark thoughts have settled in.

Invitation To One-Year High School Reunion

Greetings fellow Tigers, It’s been one whole year since we’ve graduated and now is the perfect time to have a reunion. We can’t wait to see what everyone has been up to since we parted ways and how you’ve started your journey toward adulthood! You may not look like you do in your senior year portrait anymore, but don’t let the freshman 15 stop you from indulging in our bountiful buffet (please bring a food and drink item).

CARTOON: Cheese Chat

Relatable Content. Today's cartoon by Paul Cannata.

I am Definitely Not Friending You on Facebook Just to Sell You Skincare Products

Hello again! I see you updated your profile picture. I love that you’re going for the natural look and really embracing your wrinkles. I really admire your bravery. I wish I were that brave. Instead, I hide behind this anti-wrinkle serum...

Truly Terrible Signs That Your BFF Chelsea Is A Hobgoblin

Her cute new manicure is actually blood and gore from tearing out the throats of her enemies. She's been looking at David's Instagram photos without liking or commenting. And more!

Alternative Bathroom Options For When Your Selfish Roommate Has Severe Abdominal Pain

Plastic Cup You Left In Your Room – This cup is big enough for one type of going to the bathroom. The second kind of going to the bathroom you’ve tried before and it was messy. So avoid that one if you can.

Least Successful TV Spin-Offs 

The Creation Myth (CBS) - Severely misreading what made The Big Bang Theory a hit with audiences, CBS executives tried to replicate that success with a sister series, which followed four pious young priests and one ditzy nun all living together in a crowded seminary. 

The Prophecy Speaks Of “The One”

First, you must be willing to undergo the ritualistic Cave Beating Of Friends where we spelunk you into a cave and beat you with sticks until you can successfully name all six primary characters from the cast of Friends and the actors who played them.

How I Talk About My Friends On Their Birthday Social Media Posts Vs. Every Other Day of the Year

On her birthday, September 20th: Wishing the happiest of birthdays to my soulmate, my partner in crime, the peanut butter to my petroleum jelly (inside joke, lol), the light of my life, Tiffany. Tiff, I know you've had a tough year but I’ve witnessed firsthand how much stronger you are for it. You are such a badass. We are going to stay out until the sun comes up on your second day as a flirty, dirty thirty-year old! I hope you stocked up on your Red Bull, because I am ready to celebrate YOU and only YOU all night! On her birthday, 11:58 PM: My Uber is here, tell her I said bye.

Facebook Status: It’s Time To Purge My Friends' List!

You know the drill if you haven’t given me enough likes, hearts, and replied when I posted about the predictive text challenge for what 80s inspired colored underwear I should wear next Tuesday, you are getting purged.

Upcoming Rebooted TV Shows

Everyone is out of new ideas, it seems.    In creative mediums…