Sweetheart, Went to a Target tonight. I was horrified to learn the nutcrackers have turned gay. Why must these Secularists sexualize everything? Put your nuts in its mouth like the rest of us and enjoy the birth of our Lord. Merry Christmas, Jim

Santa: The weapon used in the attempted murder were NON gluten-free cookies. AKA, a cookie that contained gluten. It’s basically poison.  911: A cookie is not considered a weapon. Sir, how is your mental state? How did you get in the chimney? Santa: A cookie is ABSOLUTELY an assault weapon, SIR, and I don’t appreciate you talking down to me. I am gluten-free, and the Smith family was trying to murder me with the cookies they laid out. This was a hit job from the people who started the War on Christmas.

Alexa knows when you are sleeping and awake...Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

Place Frosty's magic hat onto life-sized cardboard cut-out of Brad Pitt, hope for the best. Hose out Santa's "Naughty Dungeon". Deep down, he's a good man; we all have our vices. And more!

Hold an office Christmas tree lighting ceremony. Ask select personnel to hang their now-deactivated key cards as ornaments. Elves escort the terminated out before entertainment arrives.

Most of this is just for The White House. Today's cartoon by Michael Shaw.

The perfect plan! Today's cartoon by Mike Shiell!

“The ashes of democracy.” Facebook founder, Mark Zuckerberg

Your Ex: Like last year, and the year before that, you drop an unmarked envelope containing your nail clippings under their front door.

Off the record? Today's cartoon by Michael Shaw.

That's a lot of mommy's kissing Santa. Today's cartoon by Scott Nickel.