Tasty Items For Sale At The RNC Concession Stands

Trump Roast

$74.50

Baloney. Lots and lots of roasted baloney. Piles of it. Be careful, though. It seems vaguely intriguing at first, but once ingested will quickly make you sick. No amount of fancy condiments will help it go down any easier. Not only nauseating, but quite the bitter aftertaste as well.

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The Side of Soggy, Lukewarm Fries Known as Pence

$4.50

“What goes well with the Trump Roast?” is a question we’re often asked. Honestly, nothing. But this is a business, right? We need to make a bit of money here. So, with not much in the way of actual options, we recommend these. Inoffensive, and without much flavor, really. They just sort of sit there on your plate, unable to soak up any of the grotesque, greasy qualities of the glistening Trump Roast.

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Melania’s Cheesy, Beefy Nachos

$7.50

These are very similar to the Michelle’s Cheesy, Beefy Nachos we served back in the 2008 convention, but if something works, why change it, right? No one will even notice, probably.

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Baio Bits

$11.95

What are these even doing here? Totally out of place in a serious venue such as this, right? Still, people continue to gobble them up. Sort of edible when you were a kid, but now they just seem off-putting.

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Ted Cruz’ Fig And Macaroni Casserole

$1

Removed from menu. Our apologies to anyone who liked this, but it was making most folks deathly ill. A really bad idea to begin with, this particular item was doing no one any good, so consider it a favor. We don’t know what we were doing by putting it on the menu in the first place, to be perfectly honest.

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Mr. Paul’s Fish Sticks

$12.50

Paul Ryan swears up and down that these are fish sticks one day, and then the next day he’s not quite so sure. We don’t know what to make of it, but we’re not going near them. As for you, do what you want, but don’t say that we didn’t warn you.

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Fallwell’s Fish n’ Chips

5 cents

Back in the old days, they said these were good for you. Nowadays, though… eh, I don’t know. The people here at the convention seem to eat it up without thought or reservation, but, eh… to us it seems to have gone bad, perhaps.