The Doctor Says I Need More Cheese In My Diet And That You Can Take It Up With Him If You Disagree Or Think I’m Lying Because I’m Not

Welp, I just had my annual checkup at the doctors and it went well. Yep, tests came back good. Tested high on the high ones, low on the low ones you know. Doctor did recommend I add more cheese to my diet though.

 

Yeah, he said more cheese because he knows that I like cheese and he said it’s okay to have cheese for every meal. He says the way I feel while eating cheese is good for me because I’m happier. He knows how important cheese is to me and stands by the benefits of cheese consumption.

 

You think I’m lying? Well, he actually thought you might say that and he told me to tell you that you can take it up with him if that’s the case. He doesn’t like when people don’t trust his prognoses. Takes that kind’ve thing really seriously. So you can take that up with him.

 

Anyways he also said I should cut out all the exercise I’ve been doing as well. Said I’d be better off eating chicken wings every night from my favorite wing spot. I asked him what flavor and he said what’s your favorite flavor and I said buffalo and he said buffalo it is. I was as shocked as you are but you know he has a degree.

 

The man studied for 8 years. What am I going to do? Not listen to him? Out of the question. I mean I could get a second opinion. He said it’s not necessary though. So technically that’s a second opinion right there. Just from the same guy who I trust completely.

 

He told me if I started competing in eating competitions on the weekends that would also be really cool. I asked if it had any health benefits like the no exercise, cheese, and chicken wings diet and he shook his head. He said, “I just think it would be really cool if you did. You might even get on my wall of fame, who knows.” It’s this bulletin board near the reception desk where only pictures of his favorite patients are featured for all to see. I’ll admit, I want my picture on there badly.

 

Here, this is his home phone number that you can call to verify. Don’t call now he’s still at the office but go ahead and leave a message if you’re so sure he’s wrong. He invites criticism. But he’s a busy man. Might take a few days to get back to you is all I’m saying.

 

Like I said, the tests came back good as far as I know. I mean at least he said they did he didn’t go into specifics. Kind’ve brushed over them. His main goal was teaching me how to swallow the most ice cream while under a time constraint without getting a brain freeze. The trick is to keep a warm rag underneath your hat.

 

Trust me I know how it sounds. When I told him I wasn’t so sure about his methods he told me to strip down to my underwear. He then proceeded to feel around in my underwear and said, “Yup, they’re still there. Just checking.” Then he parted his coat to show off his souvenir t-shirt underneath he earned from eating six pounds of ice cream in under three hours. You can’t make this stuff up!

 

Ask yourself, what would I gain from lying? I’d be able to eat all the foods that I want at any time? That doesn’t sound fun to me at all. From what I’ve heard previous to my appointment, that’s putting my life at risk.. But, hey, someone’s gotta do it.

 

Though I had to ask him about my heart health. Coronary artery disease runs in my family. It killed my father. That’s when he got very serious. He told me the best thing a man my age can do for his heart is extreme sports. He said stuff like paragliding and whitewater rafting is going to keep me alive longer. He said testing the heart and putting the most strain on it as humanly possible will no doubt make it stronger over time.

 

I didn’t understand that part. How was I going to be fit enough for extreme sports by not exercising and eating only my favorite foods?

 

He explained that the heart is a muscle like a bicep or deltoid and the only way those get stronger is if you tear up the old muscle tissue by lifting weights and eating protein to create new muscle. So I can neglect the other muscles in my body as long as I treat my heart the way a latissimus dorsi is treated by twelve sets on a cable machine. By putting myself in heart attack scenarios, my heart is given the greatest workout of all.

 

I said, “Really?” And he said, “Yeah something like that.”

 

I tried stumping him by asking if the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing was true. Surprisingly, he said it works but most people get it wrong by eating gala or fuji apples. Surprisingly, he said people should be eating caramel apples every day, dentists are making people “soft,” and that basically everything I thought I knew about nutrition was not only wrong but also cringeworthy. In fact, every time I said the words nutrition or health he would visibly shutter and put a finger to his lips.

 

“The only ‘meal prepping’ you should be doing,” he said, “is with pancakes.”

 

So, yes, that’s why I brought home a week’s worth of wings, fondue, and ice cream. Doctors orders…