Ohio Man Literally Zips His Lip
DAVENPORT, Ohio – Men have done many unusual things to try and win back women they have lost, but few have gone as far as Ned O’Reilly.
O’Reilly, who lost the affection of one Miss Irina Nemfitz, his fiancé for the last three years, was truly desperate to get her back.
She left him because as he tells it, “ I couldn’t help insulting her. She was always telling me to shut up, and I couldn’t.”
Finally, he found an oral surgeon who installed a heavy-duty zipper between his lips.
“ I kept ruining our relationship with my big mouth”, O’Reilly was quoted as saying.
I was very hard on Irina, and was always saying something that hurt her feelings, even though I didn’t mean to. Finally she couldn’t take it anymore, and she left me.”
Nemfitz would only say, “ I was tired of the abuse. No woman likes to be told things like “you resemble a wart with hair growing out of it,” or “ I’ve seen snakes with better legs than yours.” It’s bad for your confidence and self-esteem. I don’t need that kind of treatment.”
O’Reilly claims he suffers from a rare form of Tourette’s Syndrome, where instead of blurting out obscenities, he blurts out insulting remarks.
“ I know I shouldn’t say them, and I try to stop myself, but I can’t help it, … they just come out. … But not any more they don’t. When I feel myself about to say something bad, I zip my lips together, and that’s it.
Oral surgeon Dr. Sheldon Semblestein said it was the first zipper he ever installed, but feels it went quite well.
Sembelstein elaborates, “ When Ned first came in, I thought he was joking. For years, women have been asking me to put in a zipper so they wouldn’t eat so much. It was a standing joke, but I never really thought anyone would actually request it.”
Sembelstein ordered a heavy duty zipper like the kind they use on jeans, and went to work.
“The first few days, he was a little tender, and very swollen”, said the oral surgeon, “but then the steroids kicked in nicely, and the swelling went down, and the zipper eased up, and was moving nice and smoothly.
“He just has to be careful that he doesn’t catch his tongue in the zipper, … but men are used to being careful with things like that,” he laughed.
O’Reilly hoped that this drastic move would prove to Irina that he was serious about changing his behavior.
“I really love the little fat pig ”, he said, before he could zip up the zipper.
“It was actually Irina who gave me the idea. She was constantly telling me to “zip it”. But I bet she never really thought I would do it!”
So far, Nemfitz wasn’t so sure she wanted to give O’ Reilly another chance. “Even if he’s better in the beginning,” she said, “knowing him, after a while he’ll probably get lazy and start leaving his zipper open. Then what will I do?” We think that women all over understand her plight!
Jeffrey’s a comic and comedy writer who’s written for comedy legends such as Rodney Dangerfield, Joan Rivers, George Wallace, Phil Hartman, Richard Belzer, and Andrew “Dice” Clay, among many others. Jeffrey has performed stand-up at most of the big clubs in NY and L.A. and is known for being a regular on-air personality on Sirius XM’s Bennington Show. He writes a weekly column covering the comedy scene for The Interrobang called “Jumping Around with Jeffrey Gurian”, and has also written for MTV, National Lampoon, and many Friars Roasts. His Comedy Matters TV channel boasts over 450 video interviews with A-listers like Jimmy Fallon, Jim Carrey, Amy Poehler, Amy Schumer and even women NOT named Amy. His crowning achievement was getting his own column in the legendary Weekly World News called “ Gurian’s World of the Bizarre” which led to the creation of GNN (Gurian News Network) bringing you the most unusual stories in The Universe, missed by mainstream media.