Trump’s Mocktail Menu

It’s true that Trump doesn’t drink alcohol (although ironically, alcohol consumption in the country has gone up significantly since he took office), but that doesn’t prevent him from enjoying the occasional mocktail. Here are a few of his favorites…

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KFC-Breeze

Several pieces of greasy fried chicken, stuffed clumsily into a cocktail glass or large margarita bowl. Great for occasions where a dripping bucket isn’t quite fancy enough for the room.

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Long Island Iced Teen

An actual teenaged girl from Long Island, kept fresh and clean in a temperature controlled refrigerator until Trump’s next visit to Jeffery Epstein’s compound. “Great mocktail,” Trump enthused, “although I’m not entirely sure who this Epstein character is.”

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White Russian

Not a drink per se, but rather Trump’s nickname for best buddy Putin.

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Screwdriver

Trump’s advice to his kids if they’re ever involved in a horrible limo accident. “Screw the driver, just get yourself out as quickly as possible. Especially you, Ivanka.”

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Bloody Married

A refreshing elixir that is consumed on the night of your wedding. Two cups of blood ritualistically siphoned from the birthing pouch of your previous spouse, one and one half cup of Diet Coke.

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Man-Hatin’

Most anything consumed by Melania Trump; strong, stiff drinks meant to numb the discomfort of the unceasing hatred felt towards pretty much every male in your life.

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Homojito

Prank cocktail prepared by Trump and his cronies, wherein whatever odd, grotesque items that can be dreamed up are tossed into a glass and then quickly guzzled by Vice President Pence, who has been told that the drink contains properties that prevent thoughts and dreams containing homosexual desires.

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My Tie

Whichever drink Trump has been carrying around for an extended period of time, unknowingly allowing his large comical tie to soak within the mystery liquid.

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Margarita

The fresh tears of a woman named Margarita, who has been detained at the border along with her children. So sweet… so salty.

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Hurricane

According to the world’s leading experts, global warming is creating larger and larger hurricanes. Fine with Trump, as he finds these to be quite delicious and refreshing!

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