Unanswered Hollywood Christmas Movie Want Ads
WANTED: Lakeside, Illinois-based contract and criminal law attorney willing to get a reluctant single father out of a bad contract and potential manslaughter charge. Candidates must also have a thorough understanding of the North Pole legal codes. Please contact Scott Calvin, aka Santa Clause at 555-4185.
WANTED: Licensed electrician in the Chicago area. Candidates must not be fearful of heights, and show a willingness to deal with an inept, but endearing family man who is just trying to have a “fun old fashioned family Christmas.” A willingness to overtax the electrical grid for Illinois is a plus. Please contact Clark Griswold’s Father-in-Law at 555-2132.
WANTED: Someone, anyone, in Bedford Falls, possessing an ability to tell a naive little girl that there is absolutely no correlation between a ringing bell and an angel getting its wings. Please contact Mr. Potter at 555-4465.
WANTED: Clinical psychologist willing to travel to the North Pole through various locales including, but not limited to, New York’s Lincoln Tunnel, a sea of swirly twirly gumdrops, and the seven levels of a candy cane forest, all to inform a grown man that he is, in fact, not an elf. Please contact Walter Hobbs at 555-9987.
WANTED: Chicago Department of Child Protective Services is searching for a temporary home for an eight-year-old boy who was accidentally left behind by his family on a trip to Paris. The boy is remarkably resilient for his age, but seeks guidance on shaving, being more neighborly, and calling the authorities instead of risking capture by two moronic criminals. Please visit our website to apply!
WANTED: New York City Department of Child Protective Services is searching for a temporary home for a ten-year-old boy who was accidentally left behind by his family on a trip to Florida. The boy is remarkably resilient for his age, but seeks guidance on navigating airports, talking to weird bird ladies, and calling the authorities instead of risking capture by two moronic criminals. Please visit our website to apply!
WANTED: Qualified BB Gun expert in Hohman, Indiana, willing to teach a young boy how to fire his newly acquired weapon without shooting his eye out. Additional experience warning of the dangers of placing a tongue on a cold pole is preferred, but not required. Please contact Mother Parker at 555-1147.
WANTED: Qualified pilot willing to drive Santa’s sleigh through a snowstorm for one night. Candidates will be evaluated based on their ability to navigate with anything other than their nose so bright. Please contact Santa Clause at 555-4185.
WANTED: Anyone in Minneapolis willing to explain the concept of eBay to a mattress salesman and a postal worker who seem hellbent on killing each other in order to obtain a hard-to-find toy for their child by visiting actual stores. If interested, please contact Liz Langston at 555-1928.
WANTED: Police detective still looking for Nike shoe salesman willing to make emergency delivery of size eleven sneakers to Nakatomi Plaza on Christmas Eve. Experience facing gunfire from East German terrorists preferred. Please contact Detective John McLane at 555-1464.
- About the Author
- Latest Posts
Josh Lorenzo is a part-time humor writer, featured in various places, such as McSweeney’s and the Washington Post. He writes a regular satirical column, Don’t Feed the Animals at Political Animal Magazine. You can reach him on Twitter at @theathrofsrcsm, where he has at least 11 followers.
