Updated Checklist for Future Screening of Potentially Dangerous Presidential Candidates

Party Chairpersons: While assessing your potential candidate, check off these items as appropriate. If candidate possesses three or more of the following traits, do not expose candidate to national news media. If candidate possesses seven or more of the following traits, place candidate inside a diving bell and drop said bell into Lake Superior until election has passed.

  • Plasters last name onto giant penis-shaped objects around the country
  • Is orange
  • Invented a reality show catchphrase popular among people who confuse your and you’re
  • Wildly gesticulates with hands like a mentally-handicapped criminal
  • Is, in actuality, a mentally-handicapped criminal
  • Subsists entirely on McDonald’s cheeseburgers, diet Coke, and those alien bug things that Jabba the Hutt eats in “Return of the Jedi”
  • Is the literal character basis for “Back to the Future” antagonist Biff Tannen
  • Is married yet unabashedly brags about sexual assault toward people of the opposite sex and/or foreign “strongman” dictators
  • Pays porn stars for sex and cheats on his wife (come on, dummies—this one is a gimmie)
  • Angrily tweets insults toward former child stars on a regular basis
  • Angrily tweets insults toward non-famous children on a regular basis
  • Travels in gold-plated helicopter, washes hands in gold-plated sink, has their gold bars plated with solid gold and stamped with their name
  • Stresses the need to build a wall around things that don’t belong to them
  • Area of brain reserved for humility has been removed and replaced with solid gold
  • Labels enemies with “playground-style” nicknames and is not 12 years old and/or Buzz McCallister from “Home Alone”