Truly Terrible Tips & Tricks To Keep From Touching Your Own Face

Place your hands into a toaster; keeps them out of play, and also smells great (sort of like bacon)!

Hire a S&M professional to tie you up; be sure to have a safe word so that they don’t try to stick a hair-brush up your butt or something.

Attempt to beat the world record for juggling.

Murder and cannibalize several people, so that you’re committed and placed into a straitjacket and Hannibal Lecter type mask.

While reading this article, realize that you are absent-mindedly touching your face (and also moving your lips as you read, but that’s a whole other problem).

Coat your entire face with pickle relish, which, while many find tasty, is also odd and unpleasant to the touch.

Star in a series of adult films in which others are sitting on your face.

Learn sign language and join a hearing-impaired debate club.

Have your face place a retraining order against your hands.

Become close friends with a person who is OCD and obsessed with playing Patty-Cake.

You’re doing it again… you were sitting there reading this article while holding your face in your hands.

Take a trip to Saudi Arabia and get caught stealing twice.

Hey, you’re doing it again!! Stop it!!!

by Kit Lively

Kit Lively

Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence