Weekly Humorist Voting Tips
Don’t forget to wear your lucky pants! And if you do forget to wear your lucky pants, don’t forget to wear pants in general. As I’ve had to be reminded of several times throughout my life, people are not allowed to vote sans pants. As an additional note, most voting locations don’t keep enough of the “I Voted!” stickers on hand to act as surrogate pants. So, to wrap up, lucky or otherwise: pants!
Most voting locations do not allow voters to bring animals with them into the voting location. Service animals might be okay, but certainly not a wild wolf that you wrestled to submission in the parking lot of the voting location. Just leave the wolf in the spot where your battle ended, even if you were hoping to watch it transform back into a person. You have some voting to do, mister!
We realize that you’re excited and counting the days until the exhilarating experience of Black Friday, but there is no need to camp out overnight on the sidewalk in front of the voting location. Also, please don’t tackle and punch other voters in an effort to be the first person to vote. We can all be winners here! (except for the people who lose, of course)
Be sure to eat a nutritious breakfast right before heading out to vote. Don’t believe your brother when he tells you that most voting locations also serve up a delicious pancake breakfast and omelette bar on site. He’s lying, and the volunteers at the voting location will give you very strange looks when you excitedly ask about the pancakes.
You will undoubtedly be tempted to take an extra “I Voted” sticker in order to place both on your chest in an effort to comically mimic nipple placement. While such an urge is understandable, to do so is punishable by death. Ask yourself, “Is it worth it?” (sometimes, the answer is yes, so give it some honest thought)
Once you’ve voted, please don’t then call the voting location every fifteen minutes or so in an attempt to find out the results. The results will be shown later on TV. You remember how much you love your TV, right? Just go back to your TV and await further instructions.
Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence