Everyone Gawking at Me at This Skate Park is Failing to Focus on the 47% of Bones I DIDN’T Break
I am so pumped! Yesterday was an amazing victory for me, as I attempted a very simple skateboard trick, flipped into the air a thousand times, crashed face first into the cement, and managed to not break 47% of the bones in my body. I think I speak for everyone — from the girls at the skatepark who wept in horror at the sight of me to the paramedics who vomited when they saw my mangled body — when I say HELL YES, this was a complete and total victory for me as a skateboarder and anyone saying otherwise is fake news.
And yet today, all anybody is talking about is how I broke about 53% of the bones in my body and lost what the doctors called “all of my good skin.” These complete idiots, like especially the doctors and my mom, have totally lost sight of the fact that this is obviously exactly what I wanted to happen. Also does anyone have a torso sized band-aid? My spleen keeps getting out.
For anyone who still doesn’t get it, let me spell it out for you: EVERYTHING YESTERDAY AT THE SKATE PARK WENT EXACTLY AS PLANNED. I WANTED to put my skateboard on the ground, I WANTED to look around to make sure everybody was watching, especially Stacy, who I have a huge crush on, and I WANTED to yell, “PAY VERY CLOSE ATTENTION TO ME, BECAUSE I’M ABOUT TO DO SOME SKATEBOARDING,” and then start to put my toe on the board, stop one more time and say, “MAKE SURE YOU ARE SPECIFICALLY WATCHING, STACY” and then put one foot on the skateboard, push off gently with the other, and then, somehow, on a flat smooth surface with no obstacles in sight, dramatically fall off my skateboard so hard that I spun in the air a thousand times, and, while suspended in air, simultaneously scream, cry, fart, and quote the most intimate pages of my diary, until crashing to the ground so violently that the park is now rated R, which is not something that has ever happened to a park before as far as I’m aware. I can’t believe I have to spell this out for you dummies, but, uh, YEAH: obviously, this was a win for me.
My performance at the skatepark was a referendum on my skateboarding skills, and the results are in: GOOD AT IT.
Yesterday, as everyone watched my body flailing wildly in the air, hands desperately snatching for something — anything — to hold onto, but finding nothing, they were all so smug, saying to themselves, “Oh my God, he’s going to break every single bone in his body.” But guess what, idiots? Today, x-rays of what doctors have been referring to as “my salvageable parts” have revealed that I absolutely victoriously only broke a mere FIFTY-THREE PERCENT of my bones, and that’s why today is embarrassing for them and great for me, the person whose femurs have somehow “dissolved” and whose legs the doctors say are now “legally considered Pixie Sticks.”
You know what else those doctors said when they were trying desperately to comfort my mom? That usually when you have a horrific skating accident like I did, you expect to lose a number of teeth, and yet I appear to have somehow GAINED several molars. Don’t ask me how that happened, and don’t bring up the fact that it’s weird that while teeth are technically bones, they aren’t counted as part of the skeletal system! What we SHOULD be spending this amazing day focusing on instead is the fact that my arms broke so completely that if you flick my forearm, it’ll spin around like a pinwheel.
I was talking to the little birdy I see on my shoulder now that my brain is 90% blood, and I said, “Just you wait, little bird. My mom is going to call my dad in a horrified panic, and she’s not even going to MENTION the 47% of bones I didn’t break.” And I was right: typical frenzied “he broke 109 bones, what do we do?!” mom-type panic. And do you know what my friend, that little birdy with the spinning eyes said to me? I thought it was so wise, he said, “Trevor. TREVOR. Trevor, can you hear me? Oh, geez. Hey Bob? Hey honey? Bob, he’s zonked out again, I really think we need to call Dr. Rossenstein back.”
THIS IS A CELEBRATION. Say it with me, all my spinny-eyed bird friends: Forty. Seven. Percent. Of. my. Bones. Are. Not. broken. Except. For. a. Few. that. The. doctors. Say. are. At. least. Fractured. And. we’ll. Need. to. Wait. for. Some. further. Results. But. to. Be. clear. I. should. Not. take. That. information. As. a. Good. thing. As. the. Bones. In. question. Are. not. Bones. You. should. Have. been. Able. to break. And. so. Even. a. Fracture. At. this. Point. Is. pretty. Serious. Are. you. Even. listening. Trevor. Trevor. I. really. Need. you. To. trevor. Hey. trevor.
Those body parts that worked with me while I was suspended mid-air, screaming, “I want my mommy!” and doing loud fear farts, did very well. Those body parts that did not work with me, say goodbye! Actually “say goodbye” is literally what Dr. Rossenstein said I should do with to most of my organs, who he says are now what the science community refers to as “medically smashed.”
To any of the doctors or moms who do not give me proper credit for this great skateboarding trick, I just have one thing to say: please get me a Kleenex. After successfully skateboarding my face into the ground, my nose just has one big, open nostril now.
My mom won’t say this, so I guess I have to: I just wanna re-state how truly enormously proud I am of myself and what I accomplished by only breaking 53% of the bones in my body. For all my enemies, especially Dr. Rossenstein and my mom — YEAH, the Kleenex with aloe, Mom, what the hell do you think?!
Sorry. And I just wanna say how truly happy — YES OF COURSE I WANT THE WHOLE KLEENEX BOX. I really am so — WHY AM I IN SUCH A BAD MOOD, MOM?! I DUNNO, MAYBE CUZ I JUST FULLY SMASHED MY ENTIRE FACE AND BODY EXACTLY LIKE I PLANNED ON!
In conclusion, I’d just like to say, tremendous success out there, also I never actually wanted to be a skateboarder, I just wanted to wear baggy pants and lean against stuff and now my bones are gone and I’m so unhappy. Thank you all!
Riane Konc is a writer whose work has appeared in Shouts & Murmurs, McSweeney’s, The Washington Post, Reductress, and more. You can find more of her work at rianekonc.com and follow her on Twitter @theillustrious