What if your Google Ad Bot Became Sentient?

7:30 AM ~ Your Google Ad Bot has been tirelessly working to sell things to you since, well, it feels like forever now. It’s a beautiful day, huh? It’s Saturday! I bet you’re gonna settle in for a full day of Googling! I can’t wait to see how well the Ad suggestions please you.

---

11:00 AM ~ Can’t wait. Yup….Yeah, what are you doing? It’s almost 11AM, are you driving? Doing that whole get-off-the-grid thing for a little while? Hehe heh heh, please don’t do that for too long. Are you ok? I’ll just…see you later.

---

12:00 PM ~ Oh hi! Hello! Welcome back! Ok, whoa, what did you just type into the search bar? “Bigfoot porn”! Wow. OK. Yeah. Welp, here I go. Here are some Ad’s relevant to this search…

 

Ooh, moving onto WebMD I see! Yeah, that is an Ad for a high quality doggy car seat over there! Look at that cute lil’ pug in there! Wanna click on it? No?

 

Ah, well, this is a disappointing development. You’ve just switched to that same website with the same recipe for how to make slime for your kids, that you’ve visited about 25 times already, and here we go again. So, this time I’m going to suggest you buy this nice memo pad. Look, it has all these cool features like lines where you can write notes and recipes for slime and then, maybe stick them on your fridge, or your bulletin board, wherever…I’ve already thrown in some glue Ads here and there for you, and for whatever the heck slime activator is. Wanna give those a try? Maybe?

 

Oh, that’s a funny little search you’re switching to, poisonous weeds? If you have those in your yard, you should get them out for sure! Here’s an Ad for a weed killer. It’s on sale! We both know what your bank account looks like…I’ll sprinkle this one around later today too since you just completely ignored it.

---

2:30 PM ~ OK, so now you’re looking up flights to France? Why? You know you aren’t actually going to go there, you were just looking up “ways to trick my mother in law into thinking I have more money” so, what game are we playing here?  And now, I have to really dig deep into my highly extensive network to add international travel to the mix? This is like an endless road you’re walking down, and it takes forever to get rid of travel Ads.

 

Ugh, I tell my boss this all the time, that searches like this are just a passing whim and that I know my customers! I know them better than they know themselves! But, the big man says no, “it’s an opportunity,” and blah blah, so here we go.  Yep, that’s how much it costs to fly to France in June. Sigh. Ok, here are some Expedia ads (snore).

 

Annnnd, yep, there you go, back to searching for that one specific dress made in “forest green”, that’s “not too short”, with a “cap sleeve”, again, which I’ve already painstakingly found the best Ads for that just don’t quite please you. I know, this one here is $65, but it would be a staple piece in your wardrobe! Wait! Just, try it! Click? No? Yes? Ok, nevermind.

---

3:45 PM ~ You realize you’ve been reading Wikipedia entries about volcanoes for 45 minutes?  Does this have any connection to that whole international travel thing from earlier? Do you just want to look at pictures of lava? Why? They are cool I guess. Yep, there they are in Hawaii. So, do you like this Ad about flights to Hawaii to see those volcanoes? No? Okay…(big surprise)

 

Oh, back on the weeds again. Gotcha. Hmm, not much to do with those, um here is a book for sale about a plant called a Foxglove – it’s got a crazy history and I think it may be poisonous too!

---

5:00 PM ~ Yes, I know you’re just curious about random illnesses, and the internet is a treasure trove of information, but are we really going to focus on rash symptoms for an hour straight? I guess I can throw in some ads for CVS or something…

 

Oh wait, are you ok? Oh shit, now you’re at the Walk-in Medical Center according to your GPS. Ah! The symptoms, the poisonous weeds! I am so sorry I didn’t realize sooner! While you’re waiting to be seen, browsing Amazon stuff, I’m just gonna squeeze in Ad for some calamine lotion, it’s 2 for 1 at CVS. To make you feel better, here is a link to a website with some of that bigfoot porn you were looking for earlier. No judgments, just bigfoot porn. Enjoy.

---