White House Answering Machine

As you might imagine, the White House has been receiving thousands of phone calls from both supporters and opponents in recent days.


To facilitate the processing of the calls, the White House has installed a new automatic phone answering system to help patriotic Americans and losers alike reach the proper party:


“Thank you for calling Donald Trump’s White House. To continue in English, press 1. To continue in Russian, press 2. And welcome, comrade.


“To order a “Make America Great Again” hat, a Confederate flag or a “Sieg Heil” koozie, press 3.


“To speak to whoever happens to be communications director today, press 4.


“To make a reservation at a Trump resort, press 5.


“If you have a lead on the whereabouts of Kellyanne Conway, press 6.


“To reach Michael Flynn, Paul Manafort or Steve Bannon, hang up and try directory assistance in Leavenworth, Kansas.


“To reach Sean Spicer, Reince Priebus or Anthony Scaramucci, call Robert Mueller’s office.


“To speak with Jared Kushner, hang up, because no one speaks to Jared Kushner.


“To speak to President Trump, either call the Mar-a-Lago White House or a Trump golf course and give the secret password. Or you can just tweet him.


“Thank you for calling Donald Trump’s White House. While your call is being processed you’ll be serenaded by “The Best of Fox & Friends.”