Yoga Poses To Help You Feel Closer To Death

The Downward Spiral Dog

The less emotionally well-adjusted cousin of the classic Downward Dog, this is a move that helps you to open your soul to the fact that you will never be a “morning routine” person, but that you will definitely be a “morning existential crisis,” person, and they might as well be the same thing.

 

How to do it:

Set your alarm with the intention of at least trying to start that morning routine you read about, the one that’s guaranteed to transform you into a self-made billionaire who takes cold showers for fun, and eats raw kale as a cheat snack. When you realize that this is not only unrealistic, but also stupid, lay on the ground with your body directly in the sun, just like a dog. Take deep breaths in and out, soaking in all that free vitamin D people are always telling you will cure your depression forever. When you realize how great this feels, continue laying down, with no plans to get up until you start to get hungry, also not unlike a dog.

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The Worrier Pose

Not to be confused with the popular Warrior Pose (the Warrior Pose is for people who do real yoga), the best thing about this pose is that it will be hard to ever STOP doing it!

 

How to do it:

Though the Worrier Pose will feel most effective when done from bed at all hours of the night, the optimal time is actually from 11pm-3a.m. Lay flat on your back, or on your side curled up in a fetal position. Allow all thoughts to come and go, especially “were my biopsy results really negative, or is my doctor perhaps illiterate?”  “Is my partner cheating on me with their handbag?” “Could aliens exist, and if so, are they related to Mark Zuckerberg?” Hold pose for the duration of the night as you softly hum the mantra “yes to all three,” and gradually let go about twenty minutes before your alarm is set to go off. You need to get some sleep!

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Mountain of Regret Pose

The Mountain of Regret pose accommodates all lifestyles, and is a popular pose for home, the workplace, or the community. It’s your choice where you perform the Mountain of Regret pose, just remember that it’s probably going to be the wrong one!

 

How to do it:

While seated, hug knees to your chest and drop your head into your legs, so that your shadow resembles a mountain. Hold it there as a way of drowning out the sounds of all your poor life choices surrounding you. Many prefer an alcoholic beverage to enhance the effects of the Mountain of Regret pose, but please exercise moderation, or you will find yourself stuck in this pose indefinitely.

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Hunched Over In Chair Pose

This is one of many seated positions that you will never want to leave. Just like the name implies, this pose is intended to be done directly from a chair, and requires only a proclivity for procrastination and poor posture.

 

How to do it:

The important thing is to never get out of your chair, no matter how many limbs start to lose sensation. Exceptions include if your phone starts to die and you need to find the charger, or a low smoke detector battery becomes so annoying, that it must be ripped out and destroyed with a hammer. Remain seated in chair, with your knees bent and your back slumped. Repeat for as many seasons of Succession as necessary until your streaming network of choice asks if you’re still there, or until the drool wakes you up once you’ve fallen asleep, whichever comes first.

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Standing Forward Bend and Snap

This pose might sound like a fun, flirty move from a Reese Witherspoon movie of your peak sexual years, but don’t let the name fool you. This is a serious move, and it’s not for the faint of heart, nor the weak of skeleton.

 

How to do it:

Bend over, reaching for the Cheetos you dropped on the floor. There it is! That’s the snap, and it’s coming from your back. If you have been waiting for a sign from the universe that it is ok to finally just give up, this is definitely the one. Breathe in and out as you consider whether you should call someone, or just spend the day face down on the floor inhaling several years of Cheeto dust. You’ve heard chiropractors are pseudoscience anyway.

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Downward Spiral Dog on a Chair

The perfect way to close out your morning existential crisis, this is a minimalist move that simply involves increasing the comfort level of the classic Downward Spiral Dog once you start to sweat from being in the sun.

 

How to do it:

Move yourself very leisurely from the sun of the Downward Spiral dog, into a chair with a pillow in the shade. Try to open your eyes as little as possible during this transition. Yawn. Bury your face into the pillow and smell it with the same enthusiasm that a dog would smell another dog’s ass. As you’re inhaling all those man-made chemicals, you notice that your skin is covered with odd spots from having been in the sun for such a long time, and they seem to be forming an arrow shaped pattern. Yep. That’s so the cancer knows where to go.

 

Namaste