Your Guide to the Super Bowl

Super Bowl LIII is here! If you want to impress your friends with your knowledge of football on game day, then look no further! We’ve got your complete guide to everything you need to understand about football before, during, and after the big game right here.

First of all, the beloved sport known as “football” is only called “football” in the United States. The rest of the world actually refers to it as “a bad idea.”


A good insider tip to know is that the teams who play in the Super Bowl are part of the NFL, which stands for something Football something.

American football as we know it actually evolved from rugby football. But if it really evolved from rugby, like sports historians claim, then why is rugby football still around?


A cool piece of trivia to know is that in the olden days, football used to be played with a blown up pig bladder, until one day, someone was like, “Hey guys, why don’t we try using one of these footballs we have lying around instead?”

There are many penalties in football. One of these penalties is called a “face mask,” and it’s when one player grabs another by his helmet and strongly recommends a peel-off face mask with retinol and hyaluronic acid.


It’s also against the rules to grab a player by his hair and pull. However, if someone does this to you, you are legally allowed to break a chalkboard over his head. This is known in the NFL as the Anne of Green Gables clause.

A famous medical quote goes like this: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” But tell that to the guys who do the coin flip at the beginning of every single football game.


In olden times, football players did not celebrate touchdowns with vulgar, over-the-top dances. They would simply perform a quick mazurka in the end zone, or else pantomime playing (and winning) a game of whist.


Most football teams are named after people known for robbery, like the Oakland Raiders or the Minnesota Vikings or the Pittsburgh Stealers.


A favorite joke among referees is: “What’s black and white and bread all over?” The answer is a referee! Oh, I should also tell you that they only tell this joke at the Olive Garden.


Football games use a lot of religious terminology. For example, when the quarterback throws a very, very long pass, it’s called a Hail Mary. And when fans in the stands don’t remember when to stand up or sit down during the wave, it’s called The Lapsed Catholic.

Most football players wouldn’t admit this, but everytime the coaches call roll at practice and get to the tight end, all the players giggle a little bit, because of butts.


A scary statistic is that every time a player is tackled, it takes 100 points off of his IQ score. If that number seems kind of high, then consider this … maybe we shouldn’t have hired a recently tackled football player to do our math for us.


Contrary to what you may think, most quarterbacks aren’t saying, “Oo! Hot! Hot potato!” as they hand the football off to the running back, but is it so much to ask that they at least try?


And finally, with teams named for ferocious beasts like bears, panthers, jaguars, and lions, it might seem hard to choose the scariest mascot. But to me, the scariest team of all has gotta be the Tennessee Voicemails.