6 Features Of The 2019 Toyota Highlander That’ll Have You Rethinking Your Stance On Murder Because Hiding The Bodies Would Be So Goddamn Convenient

The unfortunate reality is that murder is not always a feasible pass time for the average sedan owning American. Most cars simply do not have what it takes to quickly and efficiently transport a dead body. Cramped back seats, limited air flow, and outdated GPS navigation can make felony homicide seem like an impossible dream. But no longer! Introducing the 2019 Toyota Highlander! The perfect vehicle for all your dispatching needs! With its extensive package of storage options you’ll wonder why you waited so long to dabble in the devious art of manslaughter.

 

1. Integrated backup camera with dynamic gridlines

 

With PTA meetings, work, and getting dinner on the table some days you just don’t have the time to worry about plotting the perfect murder, but with the Toyota Highlander’s backup camera with dynamic grid lines, murder is easy as 1-2-3! Simply put the car in reverse, aim toward the neighbor that keeps salting your prize-winning hydrangeas, and you’ll be done before the timer goes off to give the chicken its second basting.

 

2. Eight cup holders and four bottle holders

 

Murder is thirsty work, and Toyota’s got your back! With eight cup holders and four bottle holders you can ensure that you never miss an opportunity for hydration while mowing down the PTA President who once criticized the blondies you brought to the Winter Formal.

 

3. Towing capacity: 1,500 to 5,000 lbs.

 

Never let a subpar towing capacity restrict your zeal for blood sport ever again! Depending on the size of the package you select, the 2019 Toyota Highlander can pull upwards of 5,000 pounds! Adjusting for relative size you could murder and haul the entire starting lineup for the New York Knicks! Twice!

 

4. Seating capacity: 8

 

Looking to do some quick murder, but have to pass through a lot of toll roads on your way to drop the bodies in the woods? Look no further! The 2019 Toyota Highlander has 8 comfortable seats for you and your murdered guests. Simply prop each body up in a seat, buckle them in, add sunglasses, and voilà! You’ve got yourself a low key Weekend-At-Bernie’s style crew that’s likely to fool any overly interested toll booth operator.

 

5. Remote keyless entry system with illuminated entry

 

You know how it goes. You’re doing some late night murdering, and uh oh! You can’t see your keys to open the door. Well you’re in luck! The 2019 Toyota Highlander has a smart key system with illuminated entry to help anyone with their midnight manslaughter. Now you’ll never be relegated to murdering during the day time ever again!

 

6. Privacy glass coated windows

 

There’s nothing more important in the murder game than privacy. Looking over your shoulder will be a thing of the past! The Toyota Highlander’s privacy glass ensures that you won’t have to worry about nosey neighbors while you’re concealing evidence of your unholy crimes.

 

Keep in mind that not all of these features come standard. So you might have to pay a little bit more depending on your homicidal needs. The sky’s the limit with Toyota! Let’s go places!