What Is Your Butt’s Real Age? Take Our Test

Let’s say you recently turned 46, but someone guessing your age thought you were only 39. Congratulations! Just one question, though. Have they seen your butt?

Yes, just as the eyes are the windows to the soul, so is your butt the klieg light to your actual vs. stated lifestyle.

You already know your BMI; now it’s time to calculate your BMA (Baseline Maturity of Ass). Please complete our simple test below, and we’ll take it from there!

---

1. My butt is composed of the following percentage of cellulite:

a. 10-20

b. 30-50

c. 60-75

d. Please don’t make me look at my butt.

---

2. My butt must be jelly, ‘cause jam don’t shake like that.

True/False

---

3. My butt has molded itself into the shape of a table without legs.

True/False

---

4. If I were to place my butt upon your lap, you would simultaneously mind and not mind (Schrödinger’s Butt).

True/False/True/False

---

5. When I squeeze my butt wrinkles together, they look like

a. a happy clown face

b. a sad clown face

c. a pumpkin with a face carved by a maniac

d. a rabbit or a duck, depending

---

6. In my heart of hearts, I know that my butt should not even think about wearing leggings.

True/False

---

7. Lighting my butt correctly while wearing a thong is of paramount importance to the success of its presentation.

True/False

---

8. Whose big idea was it to invent thongs?? Shouldn’t these people be arrested??

True/Yes

---

9. All thongs should be confiscated, burned, and replaced with soft lighting sewn into full-coverage underwear as nature intended.

True/100%

---

10. My bare butt could frighten

a. children

b. woodland creatures

c. itself

d. any Presbyterian

---

Thank you for completing our BMA test! Now please download our free app to calculate your personalized results.

For an additional $9.99, we’ll present your results in an exciting awards video, featuring AI presenters Tilly Norwood and Rod Baconstone.

For only $19.99, we’ll create your very own avatar giving an acceptance speech, which will be cut off by our virtual orchestra when you inevitably go over time.

For only $29.99, your avatar will attend an all-night after party, and appear bleary-eyed the next morning with Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos!

Or, alternatively you could order pizza and spend a quiet evening with Ben and Jerry in your disgusting thong.