A Breakdown Of Where Your Weekly Church Contribution Goes

$348.23   Paying to have the church restroom toilet cameras upgraded to HD

$ 125.00  Money spent to ensure that church security keeps homeless people off of church property.

$ 27.82   Another few gallows of chloroform.

$ 3800.74   Solid gold Make America Great Again collection plate.

$ 75   Cameo message from Kirk Cameron wishing a happy birthday to Pastor Gristley.

$ 195    eBay purchase of a Pop-Tart in the exact shape of the Virgin Mary.

$ 470   Exotic dancer “Hunky Jesus” for Pastor Gristley’s surprise birthday party.

$ 2900    Private comedy performance by Bill Cosby to celebrate Pastor Gristley’s recent divorce.

$ 87   3 dozen bags of marshmallows, 8 syringes of sodium pentothal for Youth Group retreat.

$ 47   Plenty of pot-brownies for the bake sale, in order to keep the bids really jumping during the quilt auction.