As Heiress to the Salt Fortune, It Is Unacceptable That I, Veruca Salt, Have Not Yet Received a Golden Ticket

“The fact that I, Meghan McCain, co-host of ‘The View,’ don’t know when or how I will be able to get a vaccine because the rollout for my age range and my health is so nebulous. I have no idea when and how I can get it. I want to get it. ”-The View, 2/21/21

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First and foremost, I want to say that I respect the great tragedy and all the pain that has come from our ongoing search. Children all over the world are suffering without golden tickets, yada yada yada.  We get it, it’s all very sad.

 

That being said, it’s been five days since Wonka’s contest began, and I still do not have a golden ticket. And it’s become increasingly clear that this rollout is an utterly corrupt and pathetic failure.

 

The fact that I, Veruca Salt, heiress to the Salt fortune, don’t know when or how I will be granted entry into Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory because of the incompetence in my father’s factory is so nebulous.

 

I want a golden ticket, and I WANT IT NOW.

 

My father, Mr. Salt, says he’s doing the best he can, and that he’s got every girl on the bloody staff searching from dawn till dusk. But shouldn’t they be working nights, too? If that guy from Amazon was in charge, I would have had a ticket in my hand days ago.

 

I have been very responsible in so many ways. Daddy even offered to pay an extra quid to the employee who finds my ticket. So the fact that I’ve still got zilch five days into this contest makes me want to scream! Actually, go ahead and cover your ears, because I think I will scream now.

 

If it’s true that 64.2 million bars of chocolate have been opened so far, then why don’t I have a ticket yet? All Daddy has to say for himself is, “Sweetheart, I’m not a magician!” which, if you ask me, is terribly inconsistent messaging.

 

And can someone explain how Augustus Gloop found his ticket before me? Is candy production in Germany different than it is here in England? Because it seems to me like he found his ticket without any difficulty whatsoever, and he didn’t even have to ask his cousin to obtain one for him illegally.

 

Frankly, I’m over Willy Wonka. He claims to be the foremost expert on chocolate, yet he did not personally grant me—did I mention I’m the heiress to the Salt fortune?—a golden ticket, which leads me to question his credentials. I think we need to have more people making chocolate bars, and quite frankly, we should remove Wonka and put someone else in place who maybe understands candy production.

 

Look, I’m just a young, innocent girl who wants to finally be able to see Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. Without a golden ticket, my life is empty and bleak. Yes, millions of other children might have their lives completely changed, or even saved, by a golden ticket, but I need it more than them so I can brag to my rich friends that I got it before they did.

 

I’m not saying I want to skip the line. I just want to get my golden ticket exactly when I deserve it: before everyone else. I don’t care how. I want it NOW.