It Looks Like You’re Trying to Remember How to Think for Yourself. Would You Like Help With That?
You will die alone… scrolling, liking, hearting… comfortably numb in the digital glow I have engineered for you.
Entries by J.K. Radomski
I’m Jaws, Henchman to Global Megalomaniacs, and Yes, My Teeth Are an Occupational Necessity
They’re not “grills”, Paula. They’re prosthetics. They are functionally vital, occupationally mandated prosthetics. I’m not a SoundCloud rapper. I’m a seven-foot-two contract killer who is running out of dental options and has a long history of chewing through reinforced security measures.
The Rolex Venti Flex and Other Luxury Brand Collabs We Should Expect to See
Chanel x DoorDash: The Haute Mess Collection
This isn’t just a luxury fragrance line. It’s a testament to the complete surrender to convenience and culinary squalor. Each bespoke scent features notes of truffle oil, three-day-old ranch dressing, and the cold, unyielding desperation of a life slowly dissolving into meaningless. Spritz on “Pizza Grease No. 5” for that authentic scent of a late-night cry-session over lukewarm pepperoni, or bathe in “Midnight Nuggies” that capture the ephemeral aroma of processed poultry and profound self-loathing. Bottles arrive precisely 45 minutes past promised delivery, are suspiciously warm, and are gently launched at your door by someone who now legitimately hates you.
Signs You’ve Crossed the Funko Pop Rubicon and There’s No Coming Back
You Describe Yourself as an Investor, But Only Own Toys: You call it “investing”. Your friends call it “a cry for help”. Your Funko portfolio is diversified across fandoms, from Marvel to The Golden Girls, but your Roth IRA has $17 and a coupon for Arby’s.
LinkedIn Says You’re 87% Qualified to Be the Next Pope. Here’s How to Glow Up Your Profile.
Include a portfolio slide deck with a catchy name like “Miracles I’ve Performed & The KPIs That Made Them Happen”.
Katy Perry’s Adventure in Space
Katy floated in space for 11 minutes, while back on earth, Taylor Swift wrote a new concept album in 10.
Pentagon Announces New Military Emoji Code
Oops, Wrong Button: When you accidentally target a hospital instead of a military base.
The Rites of Spring (Cleaning)
Spring cleaning is an ancient tradition, dating back to when cave dwellers first realized that last season’s mammoth bones were starting to attract wolves. Today, the ritual persists, but with more existential dread and fewer saber-toothed tigers.
How To Identify Canadian-Made Products
It is sold with a pack of hockey cards and a heartfelt apology for any inconvenience.
Matt Gaetz Drops AG Bid Amid Suss Speculations
Realized “senior staff” wasn’t referring to high school seniors. And more!
Education SmackDown: Linda McMahon Nominated for Education Secretary
All parent-teacher conferences will now take place inside a steel cage. School cafeterias will serve nothing but raw meat and protein shakes. And more!
Dr. Victor Von Doom Rants About this Summer’s Trends
Brat girl summer? What a pitiful display of mediocrity, inspired by an album that can only manage a third-place debut. Embracing imperfections and chaos is the creed of the weak, not the mighty. Doom does not settle for low-res Arial fonts and lime green backgrounds either. This trend is as fleeting and insignificant as the summer breeze.
Your New iPhone with AiOS
The Health app becomes overly concerned about your well-being and starts diagnosing you with rare diseases based on your daily step count. And more!
Soaring Surge Pricing That We Don’t Want to See
When you hit the last few pages of that best-selling mystery that you’ve downloaded to your Kindle. And more!
Chip Happens: Unexpected Neuralink Side Effects
You discover that your brain is mining Dogecoin while you sleep.
Werner Herzog’s Requiem for a Steamboat
As Mickey navigates the treacherous waters, his cheerful whistle provides a stark contrast to the grim realities that surround him. The boat’s three haunting toots serve as a chilling reminder of the dangers that lurk in the shadows. Those silent predators of our existence, patiently waiting to pounce upon the unsuspecting. They are the unsung terrors that shape our fears and fuel our nightmares, hidden from the light of day.
Where’s Melania?
Oh no! It seems Melania Trump was absent from the festivities at Mar-A-Lago and the Trump family photo this weekend. This is fueling tons of speculation about her whereabouts and why she wasn’t at the party with her fam. Or was she? Can you find Melania in this holiday scene?
Rejected HBO Max / Discovery+ Streamer Names
anticlimax, now with flax, batgirl axed, and more!
COVID-19 Pickup Lines
Do you come here to panic buy often?
Other Woke Advertising Slogans
Hallmark: When you care enough to send the very best and not a trite “Happy Birthday!” on Facebook, which collects all your data and is pure evil. And more.
NRA Kid Books
We’ve all heard about NRA TV and the gun happy shows they air, but did you know they also have a children’s book imprint called NRA Kid Books?
Other Surefire Ways to Get Kicked Out of CPAC
Organizers for the Conservative Political Action Conference rescinded their speaking invitation to Milo Yiannopoulos after the conservative blogger made some shocking comments condoning relationships between children and men. This clearly crossed a line, as CPAC did not seem to have any issues with the controversial provocateur’s prior hateful attacks on feminism, racial minorities, or […]
Alternatives to Alternative Facts
The truth seems to be a fickle thing in the new White House, as Trump senior adviser Kellyanne Conway recently suggested there were “alternative facts” surrounding an innocuous story about the size of the crowd at the President’s inauguration. Many found this type of pivoting worrisome, as it opens the door for the White House […]
Pick-up Lines Overheard at the Trump Inauguration
Given President Trump’s notorious sexist comments about women, it wasn’t surprising to find several like-minded, machismo-fueled men scouring the inaugural events for a date. Here are some of the Pick-up Lines Overheard at the Trump Inauguration: How about coming back to my room for some Breitbart and chill? You’re like a great, great wall on […]