Notes for My Cat Sitter

Congratulations! You have the esteemed honor of spending the weekend with Eloise Whiskerson. I’m sure you’ll find she has the feisty spirit of a young Katherine Hepburn, the bawdy humor of a modern day Betty White, and fur softer and more lustrous than the Kardashians’ priciest extensions.


While this might seem like an easy gig, let me assure you, it is not. Think of Eloise as your personal Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Keeping her alive and well is a matter of national importance.


Below I’ve curated a few notes to ensure things go as smoothly as possible:


Each morning, recite her daily affirmation (borrowed from The Help’s Mae Mobley): “You is Kind, You is Smart,You is Important.”


With that in mind, speak to her with the humility, reverence, and awe you’d use to Tweet at Lin Manuel Miranda.


Please do not put the cash I’ve left for you in your wallet in front of her. She’s seen Pretty Woman twice (once on Broadway). She’s not your john.


When she awakes from her naps, she likes it if you whisper-sing anything from Al Green’s more soulful oeuvre.


Gaze at her with love and affection akin to the way Meghan Markle beholds Prince Harry.


Approach her litter box with an open mind and a forgiving heart.


Refrain from making any “pussy” jokes; she’s heard them all.


If she appears bored or lonesome, turn on Vanderpump Rules. It reminds her that she hates society.


Only post her photo to Instagram after getting her consent. This will come in the form of three succinct blinks. If she agrees, be clever with your caption. She finds #CatsofInstagram pedestrian.


Fill an empty LaCroix Pamplemousse can with filtered water and then pour that into her bowl. She’s an ironic hipster at heart.


Pet her only if she seems amenable to it, but not if you’ve used alcohol-based hand sanitizer within the past 24 hours. I mean, really, why not just douse her in kerosene, and lob a flaming matchbook in her direction?


While you might find her meowing the most melodious thing you’ve heard since Ellie Goulding’s voice first tickled your cochleas, please don’t make Eloise sing for her supper. Any unnecessary stress triggers constipation.


Though she looks like a middle-aged North American house cat, she identifies as a young snow leopard. Please respect this.


If she bites your hands, just say thank you.