Welcome to Brutally Honest Petfinder! If you’re ready to add a little wild kingdom energy and a whole lotta love to your home, you’ve come to the right place. Whether you’re seeking a four-legged, feathered, or furry friend, we’ve got the beast who’ll turn your life upside down. Read on to see who’s available!
Meet Minnie — a little chihuahua with a big heart. No seriously. It’s a condition. She takes meds to the tune of $4k/per month. She’ll thrive in a family with plenty of disposable income. (Maybe just don’t get too attached.)
Longing to relive those lost weekends spent at music festivals? Simply stand beside Luther’s litter box and take a deep sniff. Bam! You’re instantly transported back in time to those Lollapalooza port-o-potties where you swayed drunkenly waiting to hear Perry Farrell and wishing you hadn’t worn Tevas.
If vacuuming is your jam, you won’t want to miss Maurice the Maine Coon. Thanks to his voluminous, two-layered coat, your clothing, couch, and countertops will soon be covered in more hair than the bottom of Cher’s wig closet. (Dustbuster not included!)
Add a pop of color and personality to your life with Mavis the Macaw. Formerly a frat house mascot, this perky parrot is well-versed in beer pong and the music of Yung Gravy. We’d love to see her spread her wings and flourish with new owners who aren’t averse to vulgarity and bonkers lyrics.
Rufus has so much love to give. Our behaviorist jokes that this not-so-bashful toy terrier is battling a Charlie Sheen-level sex addiction. All kidding aside, it’s probably best to keep this randy rascal away from other pets, stuffed animals, and anything you wouldn’t want to see coated in semen.
It’s hard to believe no one’s adopted Peaches the python yet! Seriously, who needs a grande French roast when you could awake to the heart-pumping thrill of this green goddess coiled around your torso? (Will work out best in a home without toddlers.)
You’re not wrong. In certain lights, Lorenzo, the long-haired labradoodle, bears a striking resemblance to Weird Al Yankovic. But the fun doesn’t stop there! When you least expect it, this purebred prankster’s been known to sidle up behind you and use his fangs to give you an atomic wedgie the likes of which you haven’t felt since middle school.
Dolores, the tortoise, requires a steady diet of organic collard greens and golden raisins to keep her shell glistening brighter than a bald man’s head at the beach. Because of her lifespan, it’s likely Dolores will outlive us all. With that in mind, we’re only able to adopt her out to someone willing to set up a trust to provide for her future. Thanks for understanding.
American Idol fans, have we got a winner for you! Introducing … Kelly Barkson. This stunning Siberian husky is the OG canine crooner. The blue-eyed beauty howls all night long. She arrived on our doorstep after her previous owner’s neighbor threatened to remove her larynx with an ice cream scoop.
Though Bunnicula got her name from the classic children’s story, life for this hare has been anything but a fairytale. During her days in a toxic rabbit fighting ring, Bunnicula earned a reputation as a real bruiser. But, alas, while besting bunnies ounces well above her weight class, our sassy gal lost an eye and most of her tail. As a way of coping with past trauma, Bunnicula self soothes by gnawing through phone chargers and designer footwear.
Sure, it looks like Fredo the ferret is frothing at the mouth, but he’s just happy to meet you. Ideally, he’ll find a home where he can bring his bestie, Vito the raccoon, with him. Vito’s currently being treated for a mild case of rabies, but should be good to go by the weekend. We’d hate to break up this bonded pair.
Submit your video application today!
- About the Author
- Latest Posts
Liz Alterman is a freelance writer and the author of the humor blog On the Balls of Our A$$ets, which chronicles the period that came after she and her husband were laid off within six weeks of each other. (Spoiler alert: Don’t try this at home.)