Basic French for People That Want to Move There Now

Guys, France is safe from far-right nationalism!  This makes the country of croissants and berets that much more tantalizing for the average American living in Trump’s dystopia.  Unfortunately, because the US education system is the way it is, many might struggle in their quest to find a new home in Macron’s France.  So I thought I’d give a little vocabulary lesson.

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Hello.  Bonjour

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Where is the Eiffel tower?  Où est la tour Eiffel?

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How can I attain citizenship?  Comment puis-je devenir citoyen?

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Is my pre-existing condition covered here?  Est-ce que ma condition préexistante est couverte ici?

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Take me to your liberals.  Apportez-moi à vos libéraux

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I’m sorry, I don’t speak fascist.  Désolé, je ne parle pas fasciste.

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How safe is it to be a minority here?   À quel point est-il sûr d’être une minorité ici?

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Would you consider yourself “woke”?  Vous considérez-vous comme “woke”?

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Help!  I’m running away from a crazy orange man!  Aide! Je fuis d’un homme orange fou!

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Wait, you mean islamaphobia/racism/[insert bullshit] exists here, too?  Attendez, vous voulez dire que l’islamophobie/le racisme/[Insérez la connerie] existe ici aussi?

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Is Obama here?  Obama est-il ici?

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originally published in the National Lampoon