Bucket List for When You Think You Have 38 Minutes to Live Before a Ballistic Missile Strikes
Try to pull a tablecloth from underneath a set of dishes.
Take two bites of a dog biscuit.
Delete the Facebook friends you actually never met in real life.
Get an ironic tattoo that reads “tattoo.”
Eat all the samples at Sam’s Club.
Run downstairs and scream “nobody likes a crybaby” in neighbor’s newborn’s face.
Slap the shit out of Cousin Donny for buying that dumbass MAGA onesie.
Drop a piece of food on the floor. Pick it up and eat it after the five-second-rule has expired.
Max out your credit cards at the dollar store.
Hug a tree for ten minutes. Hump for five.
Prepare a petri dish of your DNA and pre-pay the roaches to 3D-Print you when the dust settles.
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Nicole Rose Whitaker studied and performed standup and improv comedy in New York City and has an M.F.A. in creative writing from the New School. Her work has appeared in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The New Yorker, Reductress, and Weekly Humorist.
