News Briefs

Surgeon General Encourages Thumb-Sucking for Politicians

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Dr. David Stamen, Acting Surgeon General has come out with a new report actually encouraging politicians to suck their thumbs in public.

Babies suck their thumbs to gain a sense of security, and Dr. Stamen feels that many politicians, especially those entrusted with the public welfare, go through periods of deep insecurity, especially in times of national trouble.

He feels that sucking their thumbs would give them the clarity, and security they need to make those big decisions, and stay level-headed, especially in times of crisis.

Dr. Walter Bimm, head of Psychiatry at Capital City Hospital agrees. “As outlandish as this may sound”, he says, “we’ve known for a long time that all people begin life with an oral fixation, because that is the first way we relate to the outside world…with our mouths.”

“Either through mother’s milk, or by drinking from a bottle,” he added, “we learn to feel secure by experiencing a sucking sensation.  The problem is that we think just because we grow up physically, we no longer have those feelings of insecurity. That couldn’t be further from the truth.”

The reason for the study is that they’re afraid that the personal problems of many of the members of Congress are starting to leak over into their job performance, affecting their ability to make decisions.

As a result of the Surgeon General’s report, several Senators and Congressmen have already started sucking their thumbs, and are giving this theory a try. They seem to have varying opinions.

Rep. Niles Turmley, (D) from West Virginia says, “At first, it felt a little awkward sucking my thumb in Congress, just before a big vote, but then I realized that I owed it to my country to try this. If the Surgeon General says it will help me feel secure, and make better decisions, then that’s the least I can do…and you know what?  It’s not half bad.”

However, Rep. Randall Quist,(R) from Kansas says, “I feel like a damn fool sucking my thumb in front of all those other guys.  I did it because I’m a patriot, and because I felt like I owed it to my country to try it, but to be honest with you, I don’t like it one bit. I believe in serving my country, but you have to draw the line somewhere.  Next thing you know, they’ll be telling us to wear diapers!”