Crazy Larry’s Etsy Shop of Handcrafted Tinfoil Hats

About the Shop: After a still explosion knocked me out for three days, I suddenly became aware that not only was I being routinely abducted, but the government was removing my memories to cover up what turns out to be a global conspiracy between the Deep State, the Vatican, and Costco. The more research I did, the less information I found, and that only meant one thing: someone was erasing all evidence from the Googles. What were they hiding? What wasn’t I supposed to know? IYKYK

 

This shop is dedicated to helping regular folks who realize that the war isn’t coming, brother. The war is already here. So, grab your tinfoil and suit up. Semper Foil

 

Custom Tinfoil Hats 

We carry three styles, each protecting you from different, unseen enemies. And options? Oh, we got options, friend. Regardless of whether the signals you’re blocking are of ESP or electromagnetic origin, customization includes your choice of:

• Standard or Heavy Duty grade foil 
• Non-stick coating or reflective 

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Style 1 – FU E.T.

It ain’t no secret aliens are controlling the minds of everybody that’s ever put on a pair of those blue and red 3D glasses. Unfortunately, 99.99% of the population have been brainwashed to “forget” this fact. The FU ET lets you remain one of the .01% in the know. Strap on the FU ET just before going to bed and you will never wake up to a group of the Greys with their weird fingers and black eyes. No more being abducted by the Reptilians. No more undergoing seriously invasive probing so Andromedans can put weird implants in your body. No more! Next time you wake up and those bastards are in your room, you can point to your hat and say, “FU E.T.”  

Style 2 – TELEPATHETIC

Ever think of a song only to hear it on the radio later that same week? Ever tell your buddy a secret only to learn that pretty soon other folks around town know about it? Well, that ain’t no coincidence. That is hard proof of NASA (Neurological Assault Satellite Agency) stealing your thoughts. As determined by the 3rd Amendment of the secret original draft of the Constitution written in Masonic code and sealed up beneath Monticello, our thoughts shall not be stolen from outer space. This custom tinfoil hat will not only block the satellites Jefferson warned us about, but it’ll keep you looking good. 

Style 3 – OH, CELL NO!

This is just a good run-of-the-mill hat for folks trying to prevent getting brain tumors from all of the 5g towers popping up everywhere. Maybe you can’t control corporate America’s slow poisoning of our neighborhoods through electromagnetic signals that are proven to cause brain tumors, but you can be one of the remaining few uninfected once Monsanto releases the silent signal, known as 6GLTE+, which will trigger the tumors to infect people with a zombie virus. With this hat, you can be sure that you’ll be a member of the resistance that fights zombies like in that TV show. 

Terms and Conditions

Payment: All payments must be made via Money Order. No exceptions, except for valid photos of aliens from inside Area 51 or the missing frames from the Zapruder film that clearly show the shooter on the grassy knoll to be none other than Joe DiMaggio. PayPal is owned by the Illuminati, so don’t even think about it. No cash is accepted because all currency is used for biometric tracking by the New World Order. I’m not an idiot.

 

Shipping: Item will ONLY ship via UPS, the Underground Patriot Service, a coalition of vetted individuals that transport unsurveilled documents and/or packages through a system of unregistered Winnebagos that only travel at night.  

 

Contact Us: If you have any questions about which type of tinfoil is best suited for your particular situation, just send a series of three encrypted emails to noreply@google.com. Don’t worry, we’ll get them. In the subject line of each email, include the name of at least one CIA official that assisted in faking the moon landing, was eventually reported “missing” or “fictional,” but has since shown up in the background of several news broadcasts out of New Jersey, particularly on the dates of February 17, 1987, April 11, 1994, and August 11, 17, & 22, 2005.