News Briefs

Creepy Guy With ‘Free Breast Exam’ T-Shirt Now Most Viable Women’s Health Option In Louisiana

The Louisiana Department of Health has released an official statement declaring Todd Alleman, a 44 year old man wearing a “free breast exam” tee shirt, to be the state’s top women’s healthcare provider.

In a recent interview, Alleman told reporters that he sees over 500 women a week, and tries to give thorough examinations to as many of them as possible.

“It just goes to show that insurance and licensed providers aren’t necessarily the best or only option.” said Alex Boudreaux, Mayor of Alleman’s hometown of Lafayette, Louisiana in an interview on Tuesday. “We have plenty of well intentioned men with women’s best interests at heart who are willing to help take on that job at little to no cost.” He went on to say that his administration is giving Alleman a sizable grant to increase his services and help train other eager women’s health volunteers.

Alleman plans to use the grant to open a women’s healthcare center later this year, where women can undress and be seen by an entire panel of volunteer healthcare providers sitting in the audience. “I just think that it’s time for women’s healthcare to really center back around what matters: the health and well-being of our nation’s tittys.” said Alleman. “With more eyes watching out for lumps and other abnormalities, we’re way more likely to kick cancer’s ass. We’re going to save a lot of tatas.”

Within the next five years, Alleman, with support from Bordeaux and other Louisiana lawmakers, plans to start in-depth research into the efficacy of various birth control methods. For anyone who is interested in taking part in the study, please apply in person at Alleman’s current office: the men’s bathroom stall at the truck stop off exit 4.