Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s New Years Resolutions

Hello, reflection! It’s another New Year, and you are Dwayne the Rock Johnson. Awesome! You had a dope-ass year where you starred in a bunch of movies and MADE SOME FRIENDS! That’s right, buddy, the Rock’s got his own buddies, just like all the other movie stars, and now you have people to talk about muscles together! Deltoids!


You’ve got a lot to do in the new year, so let’s get this mirror pep talk started! It’s time for some New Year’s Resolutions!


Goal one: Lift a bus. That’s right, Dwayne. A BUS. People are always saying that you’re pretty strong but could be beaten by a large vehicle. You show all those haters! Put a bus into the sky with your muscles!

Goal two: Do. It. Again. Show that bus who’s boss. You’re the bus boss! People might say that you just got lucky the first time, but once you lift two buses, they’ll be like, “Oh, that man can really lift a bus.” And then one of your friends can say, “Not a man. THE ROCK.”

Goal three: Make some more friends! Friends are great because they support you, and also because they always feel obligated to bring a bottle of wine to your house when you host dinner. And you are good cook now, because of a New Year’s resolution you made for 2019. ALWAYS ACHIEVE YOUR GOALS! FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION!

Goal four: Defeat the moon.

Goal five: Star in all of the movies. When a big-time casting director forgets to put your name on their list, you need to crash through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man and tell them that you are their star. Oh, yeah! Hold James Cameron down until he lets you in the Avatar sequel. You should be all of the blue people! You will be the strongest one, because of your muscles! Then you’ll show all of the haters who didn’t believe in you! Boy will they be sorry! Trapezius!

Goal six: Star in all of the Broadway musicals. Call up Lin-Manuel Miranda and remind him that you saved Moana’s life. You can do all of this because you don’t sleep, and also because you eat an entire school of cod every week! That reminds me:

Goal seven: Eat all of the cod. Never forget that it was a school of cod that kidnapped your baby brother. You will not avenge him until you have devoured their entire species. Your entire life, you have been slowly amassing muscles, building strength, and searching, always searching, for you little bro. The cod took him from you! You need answers, and if you don’t get them you will wipe out their kind!

Goal eight: Have fun this year! Let’s see that smile with your face muscles! You are The Rock!