Originals
Elevator Pitches for Elevators
- Mandatory eye contact for five seconds to get the awkwardness out of the way
- Buttons made of chocolate so riders can get their sugar fix after selecting their floor
- Sand to give it a cool beach vibe
- Sand crabs and arguing families to give it a more authentic beach vibe
- Pigeons
- “Elevator Captains” responsible for introducing riders to each other to create a forced sense of community. They’ll wear nautical hats and carry big sticks so people know who’s in charge
- Each elevator locks riders inside for ten minutes or until they can solve a series of elaborate puzzles together
- Rebranding them as “vertical boxcars”
- Stools
- Curated cars full of riders who share the same name. “Good morning, Walters.” (in unison) “Walter!”
- Owls
- Escape hatch to an emptier elevator
- Trendier escape hatch to a prohibition-style speakeasy
- Emergency phones that connect anonymously to your childhood bully so you can leave them veiled threats
- Funhouse mirrors to make riders look thinner to increase their self-confidence
- Funhouse mirrors to give riders distorted faces so they don’t get overconfident
- Bats
- TV monitors with footage of devastating natural disasters so the cramped elevator doesn’t seem so bad in comparison
- Words of affirmation read by Tom Hanks
- FaceTime calls from everyone’s dads so they can talk to each other about dad stuff (fences, corduroy, what happened on this week’s episode of Yellowstone)
- Twister
- Naked Twister (18+)
- Mojitos (21+)
- Non-alcoholic mojitos so everyone can enjoy clinking glasses and saying “cheers” (2+)
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Doug’s satire and humor writing has appeared in The New Yorker, The Hard Times, Hard Drive, Points in Case, End of The Bench plus a few other outlets. Doug lives in Toronto.
