Welcome to our pitch for the action movie-thriller-experience that makes every other action movie in the history of action movies look like an episode of the goddamn Teletubbies. Sure, those other guys with their “CGI” and their “actors” have cool effects and explosions and hot chicks. Whatever. This movie’s got speed. It’s got gore. It’s got danger. You know what it doesn’t got? Rules.
Are you ready? You sure as shit better be.
Because this is about to be the actionest action movie any audience has ever laid their 3D-glasses-bespeckled eyeballs on. Hold onto your asses, pansies. It’s gonna be a wild ride.
You settle into your seat with a refreshing action cola, which we made specifically for this movie with 12 times more caffeine than regular colas. Just when you think you’re watching a nice, calm preview for a harmless PG-13 young adult love story, BAM. We’ve paid a guy down the block to set off fireworks at every quiet moment. And that’s just the warm-up. Hope you brought your inhalers, nerds.
The movie opens with a car chase. Other movies might make the seats move during this scene; you know, they could lean back and forth and vibrate and stuff. But this is an action movie, not a fucking massage. So instead, we put the entire theater on wheels so we can rocket you through the city at 95 miles an hour. Don’t forget to fasten the seat belt attached to your armrest.
Oh, come on. Did you really think we’d give you little chicken shits a seat belt?
Once we park the theater and conduct a quick headcount, we cut to a fight scene. There’s tons of them in this movie. Really gruesome ones. But on-screen blood is so overdone. Which is why we rigged the theater to rain blood from the ceiling every time someone gets punched, slashed, stabbed, shot, impaled, trampled, cut in half, cut in thirds, beheaded or blown up. Which, by the way, is a shit ton of times. You might be wondering: is it real blood, or is it fake blood? Great question. Bring an umbrella.
The fight scene is over, but don’t put that umbrella away just yet. It’ll be your only weapon against the army of giant robo-ninjas who emerge from the sea to invade the theater armed with electro-spears for the climactic final battle scene that—surprise!—you’ll be acting out yourselves. Don’t stress, though. Like any good action movie, the underdogs (you, clearly) will emerge victorious. But sadly, not without a few heartbreaking casualties. You should probably invite one throwaway friend—you know, someone who’s in your group chat but you just, like, don’t really vibe with them—just in case.
The credits are rolling, but don’t worry, the fun isn’t over. Make sure you stick around afterwards for a special bonus feature, which is really just the entire movie played over again. And then again after those credits. And then again after those. Over and over again for the rest of your mortal lives. We’ve locked the doors from the outside. You can never escape. Resistance is futile.
So, you guys wanna talk budget or what?
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Karly Brooks is a writer living in Brooklyn with her roommate’s dog and also her roommates. Her writing has appeared on McSweeney’s, BuzzFeed, The Belladonna, Weekly Humorist, a few ads and her Twitter (@brookskarly). Her hobbies include reading and writing, which is sort of sad since her day job is also mostly reading and writing. She should really find another day job.