Guide to Summertime Portmanteaus

Jorts – shorts made from jeans

Skjort – a popular IKEA work lamp with LED lighting

JonBenetcation – when you rent a cottage near the beach and it rains the whole time so you spend the whole time inside watching true crime shows, many of which you have already seen

PotatoSaladTini – when you bring the Tupperware that once held the potato salad you made for the family reunion home and you use the liquid residue that’s accumulated on the bottom of the Tupperware from having been on a picnic table for a few hours and you make a martini with it

Frankfurtini – a martini made from the water used to boil hot dogs; garnish with a sprig of mustard plant and a mini cocktail weiner

Jortini – when you drink a martini while wearing jorts

Mayochup – mayonnaise and ketchup

Repellnaise – when you are on a hike run out of bug spray so you slather yourself with mayonnaise not because it repels bugs but because bears like it so no one will want to hike with you so you’ll have to go home which is fine because hiking is stupid

Sundaetime Sadness – when you are listening to Lana Del Ray in the McDonald’s Drive-Thru and the voice on the other end of the intercom tells you that the sundae machine is STILL broken

Frankfurmelon – when a mad scientist trying to further perfect the watermelon fuses it with a hot dog making a fruit that tastes like emulsified meat trimmings

Jortmidity – the concentration of jort-wearers in the atmosphere

Blandcastle – when you are on the beach and you build a domicile from the sand but it sucks because you only have one shitty shovel and a broken bucket and you sort of don’t give a shit

Tankini – a bathing suit that is a bikini with a tank top

Fudgekini – a bathing suit made of hot fudge

Jort-Ski – when you ride a Kawasaki personal watercraft wearing jorts (see also, JortRunner)

Jortvember – when you love summer so much that you wear jorts to Thanksgiving

FlipFlopSicle – a popsicle but it tastes like feet

Jort-A-Potty – when you are at a country music festival and have to pee but the line for the portable commode is really long and you don’t want to miss Carrie Underwood so you just pee in your jorts and tell people you spilled your beer

Port-A-pathy – when you have to go potty so bad and you’re so glad you found a port a potty that you don’t take care that it looks like you take zero hygiene precautions prior to sitting down in the 135 degree portable commode outside wherever you are

Jortkini – a bikini made from upcycled jorts

Boston Pops Jorchestra – when you don’t feel like navigating the crowds at the Charles River Esplanade concert so you hand your redneck relatives some kazoos and invite them to play the “1812 Overture”

Spork – thing you bring to a picnic when you only want to pack ONE utensil

Priffles – what you bring when you forget you had to go to a picnic and you have nothing to bring so you say fuck it and dump a can of Pringles and a half-eaten bag of Ruffles into a bag

“Shello Kitty” – what you say when you and your Japanese cat walk on the beach

Jortboard – when you use your surfboard to iron your jorts

Bie-Ber-Cue – when you are grilling some burgers and a Justin Bieber song comes over the bluetooth speaker and you use your grill spatula as a microphone to sing along. It can be any Justin Bieber song but probably it’s “Sorry” or “As Long as You Love Me”

Citrumelo – Citrus and Pomelo

Citrumellow – drinking lemonade and smoking weed simultaneously; see also “Citrus Flavored gummy”)

Citrufellow –  Evan Dando

Jortlight Saving Time – the practice of turning clocks ahead during warmer months so you can wear your jorts in the evening and people can still see them

Jortsicle – a popsicle but it tastes like jorts