So, you’ve found yourself in prison. Life on the outside was just too much and now you must spend the next twelve months to 250 years behind bars, reflecting on what poor decisions led you here. What did you do this time? I bet it was something really naughty. You’re so bad. Or maybe you’re innocent and desperate for another chance to prove it. Maybe you really are guilty but have trouble fitting in with the other prisoners. It doesn’t matter. Lucky for you, I have gathered seven bullet-proof methods that will guarantee you a new chance at freedom.
Now you might be thinking, “Jake. How are you qualified to speak on this subject? You’ve never been to prison!”
Exactly. Who would know more about not being in prison than a guy who has never even visited one? You’re the idiot who got yourself locked up. Now sit your ass down on that uncomfortable, standard-issue cot and listen.
- Run for it. With this method it’s important to first create a distraction. I suggest pointing and yelling, “Hey look, a guy is escaping from prison!” and then running in the opposite direction. Another good idea would be to start a food fight in the cafeteria. The prisoners and guards will have so much fun throwing their dinners at one another, they will hardly notice if one person is missing.
- Dig. This is the tried and true method. An American classic. All you need is a spoon, some elbow grease and a heart full of dreams. Be careful as this method can create a lot of noise and if your digging wakes up the warden he will become very upset. Prison wardens are famously grouchy when they don’t get their beauty sleep.
- Study for your law degree, pass the bar exam, gather evidence, and overturn your sentence. Keep in mind this will only work if you were wrongly convicted, or if you become a very unethical lawyer and lie your way out. But if you’re already in prison for heinous crimes you might as well become an unethical lawyer who lies.
- Fake your death. Adenosine is a prescription medication which can cause your heartbeat to stop for 6-10 seconds. Close your eyes and swallow about sixty of these and you may appear dead for up to an hour. If you can hold still without giggling for that long you might just fool them into pronouncing you dead. One minor setback with this method is that after your funeral you will then need to escape from a coffin buried six feet under ground, which is an entirely different article.
- Cry about it. Throw a temper tantrum. Kick and scream. Blow some snot bubbles. Be a little brat. No one wants to deal with a grown man throwing a tantrum. That shit is embarrassing. Make sure to bring up how much you want your mommy. They will be so embarrassed for you that they will have to let you go. It worked for me on the first day of kindergarten. No one said a prison break has to be dignified.
- Seduce a prison guard. Or as I call this method, “the Reverse Stockholm Syndrome.” Many single prison guards these days are searching for companionship but are often too afraid to put themselves out there. Strike up a conversation with one of them and you might be surprised what the two of you have in common. You both spend all day in a prison. You both have to wear a uniform. You both have a soft spot for John Hughes’ films. Don’t be afraid to come off a little strong. It’ll be your little secret. Now cinch up your waist and make that drab, orange jumpsuit work for
- Read a book. Books can take you anywhere including somewhere outside of a prison. Unless you’re reading The Green Mile by Stephen King, which is a book that largely takes place inside of a prison. I recommend reading Ulysses by James Joyce. This book is long enough to keep you busy and pretentious enough that no one else will bother opening it to find that you have cut a hole through several chapters where you have conveniently placed the key to your prison cell.
There you have it folks, seven genius ways to escape from the big house with style and class. If none of these worked for you, maybe you need to spend more time on number 7 because these suggestions could not be more clear and fool-proof. And if one of these methods did help you escape, just remember, you didn’t hear it from me.
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